


♦ Mistake ♦

by orphan_account



Category: Vampire Academy Series - Richelle Mead
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, F/M, Guns, Mistake, Not Rodrian, Sad, Sad Ending, romitri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-09-24 08:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 45,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9712922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: ♦ 'alcoholism: the disease that makes you too selfish to see the havoc you created and care about the people you shattered,Rose Hathaway is devoid of love; ever since her parents died, she felt empty. Nothing filled that hole until him. One good deed and he filled her heart with something she felt had never been there. Can he revive her heart without the chains of the law trapping him? ♦





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

**Part 1- Mistake**

_'Nothing but time to kill, sipping life from bottles'_

* * *

 

What can you do when your life begins to change? What can you do when your everyday routine is shattered into a million pieces? What can you do when it seems that you have no options left and you are unable to fit back the small, fragile pieces of your life that are slipping through your fingers like water.

What can you do when these shattered pieces bear a new life, a good one at that? What can you do when it bears a new life? A worse life?

That moment that shatters everything can break you down and send you into a never ending hole where there is no chance of seeing the end or the beginning.

What can you do?

Nothing.

For me, everything changed in that moment. A moment in which my ears rang as the piercing screams of those around me rang loud and clear in the stuffy room. The terror was something I could never wish upon another being, it was a terror that brought chaos to my entire life.

It was a small shop, nothing more and nothing less and then there was...gunfire. I remember gunfire. Endless brain-wracking gunfire causing strenuous flashes of white light in my already blurred vision.

I held a bag, I never saw it again, I held it in one hand, my other hand reaching for something else entirely- another thing I never saw again. My parents. You could say I did see them again, dead that is, an image that it inescapable for any man.

Sometimes, in my dreams, I see them. Never alive, only dead, gaunt, a corpse. You can never escape a nightmare and since that moment I had been stuck in a loop. I had a routine and it shattered; it bore a new routine, one much worse than the one before. 

I could only blame fate. I mean, I could blame that man who shot those bullets but you can't chase what you don't know. So why am I blaming fate? I guess I can blame fate because I know that fate is inescapable so I can deal with it. You don't let fate rule you but still, you have a place in which you can aim your anger at so no one will get hurt.

Life is complex. Why I do much of the things I do is just a question that I can't answer. I work on instinct, on what I think is right and that sometimes leads to terrible things but sometimes it can lead to good things as well.

I didn't step in front of that bullet out of fear and that was what my fate was. I wasn't hit by that bullet but I was punished as a consequence, I became an orphan- alone until my adult life.

But, as I said, fate is inescapable and it works in ways that no human can comprehend and all that, no matter the trauma it caused, led to one of the best things in my life. Of course, it wasn't easy falling in love but I did and I live to tell the tale, do I not?

Love, like fate, is inescapable so you go along with it despite what others tell you, despite others telling you that your blind. 

That day led to meeting my guardian. Who, in turn, I fell in love with despite his age, despite his position in my life. From that day, I wasn't alone. I only  _believed_  I was alone.

This must all seem so complex, so incomprehensible. But, I'll start from the beginning. I want to tell you everything. I want to rid myself of the burden of keeping this to myself but I want people to see that even in the worst of situations, you can be happy. Fate takes time to do its work but you have to let it.

Live your life always believing it will get better. If you don't try to make your life better it won't but fate can change your mind. Fate is like a God that no one worships, you just have to let it do what it is supposed to do.

I don't believe in fate myself but something about the turn of events that happened to me seems all too predictable, or unpredictable. It's hard to tell whether your life is stereotypical or not, life is life and that's as much as we can comprehend.

But, forget fate, forget this, I'll start from the beginning and maybe, just maybe, I can tell you my story.

 

* * *

 

 

_The bell chimes and the grimy door creaks open. The shop ahead of us is dim but then again, it always is. I peer behind me, watching my parents take cautious steps as they speak in hushed voices._

_I approach a small aisle in the corner of the shop, veering off the path my parents take on the daily occurrence of coming to the shop around the corner. I glance around warily and snatch a generic look chocolate bar from the shelf, laughing quietly, and greedily unwrap it, pushing it into my mouth and chomping on the precious gooiness with an un-feminine grace. Why I'm not paying for it, I'm not entirely sure. I guess I like the thrill of it. I like the thrill that allows me to escape my mundane life._

It's about to happen. I thought, my conscious surfacing slowly.

_The back of the confined store reveals a line of cash registers illuminated only by the setting sun shining drearily through the filthy glass. My mother stands there, waiting in line, carrying an almost empty basket containing nothing but essentials- nothing different than the normal. I feel suffocated by the repetitive cycle of my mundane life and I want to escape. I want to escape now._

I didn't want to escape the way I did.

_I join the queue- swallowing the thick glue-like substance in my mouth. I take a step forward, one more mundane step to pass the time. I take another; the door creaks open. I take another, the bell rings, echoing forebodingly throughout the corner shop. And then, I hear that oddly familiar sound, the sound of gunfire._

_I hear the agonising scream of a dozen bullets flying through the air. I see the man standing before me, hunched and trembling, a gun in his hands. I can't fathom how such a small object can trigger such fear._

_He moves his hand and the gun is aimed at my mother's chest. I hear the click of the safety turning off and we are now targets. We are his aim and we have no time to run. 'I'm sorry. I can't say it enough. It's an order. The Mazur's can't be left alive.' The man's voice is pleading, desperate as if asking us to move- but, we are paralysed._

_It doesn't stop him from pulling the trigger. Click. A pause. A delayed explosion and a splat. The bullet hits and as I open my mouth, silence rolls out. There is no scream, no shout, no noise. But, what was once aimed at my mother's chest had hit something else. Something was in its way. My father was in its way. And now, he was sprawled across the ground, this chest no longer rising and falling. Blood pools onto the floor, oozing from the cavity the bullet created in his head._

_Worse than my silence is my mother's heart-wrenching scream. Her scream is like a siren, unending, agonisingly loud. Then, there's silence. The bullet had dug deep into her chest, her blood now uniting with that of my father's._

_I bring my hand to my face; I feel blood. I feel it roll down my cheek as if they are tears, maybe they are tears. I pause and stare down the barrel of the gun and without hesitation, I run. I run as fast as my legs will take me._

'Happy birthday!' They cheered and the nightmare was finally over. It was as if I had been trapped within a cage even if it was not night time. The daylight shined through the small windows and I knew that it was day. I glanced around, the room was bustling. It was full of other children begging for a slice. I would give it to them, I didn't think I could stomach it anyway.

Except, I realised, staring back down at my hand. That wasn't a nightmare- it was a memory.

The foster kids surrounded me in the kitchen, hoping for a piece of cake and nothing more. It had been eight months since then and I was blowing out the candles that would declare me seventeen.

I didn't want to pity myself but it was my first birthday without my parents and the idea itself was weighing heavily on my shoulders. I blew out the candles, wishing for the impossible, and let the adults hand out the cake.

They all cheered once again as the first cut was taken as I kept a fake smile plastered on my face. I stood from my chair and handed out the first piece of cake before stalking back to my room, keeping none for myself.

My room was down in the basement of the building and had earned the name _cave_ from most of the children who lived in the home. Being the oldest, I only had a year left and there was little to no chance of being fostered before I reached eighteen and was faced with the harsh reality of the real world, not that I wasn't already.

I wasn't delusional and I knew my future wasn't a bright one. I had been the _bad girl_ at school and I hadn't passed many of my exams or any at all that I could remember. I hadn't gone to school since the incident; I was told I was bright but I had a lack of academic ability in school and they had said I would work better being homeschooled.

The foster system agreed on the thought that one of the foster carers could help me. None did, none had time. I didn't blame them, of course. I was difficult, I knew that already and I wasn't going to make their lives any harder by forcing them to give me lessons.

Then, instead of them, they had told me I could use my parents' money to pay for tutors, which I immediately declined. I didn't want to use my parents' money; I didn't want to go near it. When I was eighteen, I would look into it but for now, I left it and all that came along with it alone.

Most days, I entertained myself at the cafe around the corner. I bought a coffee with the little money I had, sat in a booth and watched as customers came in and out, having nothing better to do. I had no phone and no money to go somewhere else and not once had they kicked me out so I had been content to sit and listen to the music they played as customers flooded in.

I often spent the nights somewhere else, though, the nightclub- mostly. I saved enough money to buy something somewhat alcoholic and danced the night away: danced my life away. I got in with a fake ID that didn't even look like me but I had charmed my way in enough times for the staff to give up and hope that no law-enforcement were in the area- which there never were.

Tonight, though, I sat alone on my bed just wallowing in the memories of a life that now seemed distant. I feel asleep soon after, dreaming of being free- running away- from the harsh reality of life. But, even dreams ended and I was faced with the truth of it all. Nothing was ever that easy.

If I left now, I would live on the streets for at least another year- if not longer. I would be alone and hungry, desperate for donations from strangers on the streets. I would not wish that life upon anyone and I would not wish it upon myself, nor would I push myself into something so pointless when I could avoid it.

My life was bad but there was worse and I never wanted to get to the point where it was worse. Although my current housing had a low budget, it paid me daily to buy myself a coffee and seeing as I wasn't going to school, they were glad to be free of children if only for a few hours.

I had woken up at eleven and I already knew that my buzzing mind was not about to go back to sleep so, with the twenty dollars I had been given for my birthday, I made my way to the club. I first got dressed suitably before sneaking out without so much as a goodbye, they had learned that I wasn't one to say goodbye.

It was only a thirty-minute walk and I traipsed along the streets, my shirt buttons slightly undone and my skirt hardly touching my thigh. This was my life now and I was beginning to accept it.

 

* * *

 

 

The club was hidden behind the facade of an abandoned warehouse on the west of the town. The club itself wasn't well known and had few customers but they kept running on selling cheap drinks and playing good enough music to dance to. It was also unknown enough to sell drinks to underage teenagers. Or, in simpler terms, me.

I had undone a few more buttons of my shirt and had made sure that I had worn the most fitting leggings I owned and with that I was ready. I descended the stairs into the dark abyss below, passing the bouncers on the way who didn't spare more than a glance in my direction. 

I pushed the door open and was hit by the pounding music and the strobe lighting. The atmosphere in itself was enough to intoxicate me, despite the raging headache it was giving me. I loved feeling lost in the music, in the building. No one knew who I was here. I was Rose, the girl who sat at the bar. 

I strutted towards the bar, a man-eating smile plastered on my face as I shouted out to the bartender on the opposite side of the room, the bar covering the expanse of the left side of the crowded, cramped room.

When I called out again, the bartender turned to me and approached me, a curious look in his eyes. His dark brown eyes stared down at me menacingly, emphasised by his tall stature, as he raised an eyebrow at me. I felt a scowl spread across my face, not only could the man do the impossible of lifting a single eyebrow but he seemed to be silently denying me a drink.

I looked up at him, our eyes meeting for a contest of wills. 'Well?' I asked, tapping my nails on the counter, waiting impatiently for him to pour me a drink.

'Are you even old enough to be drinking or in here for that matter?' He asked, his Russian accent thick. I suddenly felt small under his gaze and cowered before the new bartender. On the surface, though, I stayed tall- my shoulders back and my head held high.

I cursed that it wasn't the usual guy at the bar tonight but stood my ground and waited for the man to give me my drink. In fairness, I was surprised the man hadn't gone for the job of a bodyguard, his body was made of muscle and his height could frighten even the strongest of people.

'Yeah, how else did you think I would get in?' I replied, the lie falling off my tongue easily. I had a mixed relationship with lying. I was bad at lying in most social situations but when the time came and I felt it was crucial, I had the perfect excuses lined up and I could portray them in a tone that would have any person do my bidding.

'Fake ID?' He asked, his accent even thicker than before and something about it was attractive but I knew in this situation, seduction would get me nowhere and with the forceful eye contact he was making, I knew there was no escaping.

'You're new here, right?' I asked, quickly changing the topic. 

'Changing topics, classic. But, yes, to answer your question.' I clenched my teeth; I had been caught out immediately by the frustrating Russian behind the counter. But, I felt a tingle of pride that I was right- he was new. I hadn't seen him around before, that much was clear, I would have noticed the hot Russian guy before now if he had been.

'So, can I have a drink now, comrade?' He smirked at the nickname but simply shook his head.

'It's Dimitri. Not Comrade...ID?' I slipped my hand into my breast pocket and pulled out the ID I had stolen from a similar looking girl back when I had been living out of the foster system. He squinted, trying to read the information on the front but seemingly struggling under the uneven lighting pattern. 

Either way, I was screwed as his eyes met mine again, a disappointed look spreading across his face. 'I was hoping that if you had been using a fake ID it would at least be good. No way is that you.' He sighed, handing the ID back to me before going to move away. I needed a new approach.

'Please, it's my birthday!' I begged, screaming internally at how pitiful I sounded. The brave facade had crumbled only to reveal another mask underneath, this one even more deceiving than the last.

He raised an eyebrow at me and looked almost pitying though his face remained rather stoic. 'My shift ends in three minutes; I'm getting you home.' He sighed, making his way to leave again. But, I interrupted. 'It's only eleven!' I argued, sounding childish in comparison to his smooth Russian accent.

'And you're, what I assume, only seventeen. Wait here, I'm ending my shift early.' He retorted, going into the back, coming back out with a simple outfit consisting of a black t-shirt and jeans. 'What's your name?' He asked, looking doubtful. 'I have a feeling it isn't Mary Vanderwood.' He smirked, making his way out from behind the bar and to my side, his height making me feel smaller than I ever had before.

'It's Rose.' I stated as he waited patiently. He seemed kind but I couldn't help but feel nervous with a complete stranger at my side, one that just kicked me out of the club at that. 

'So, Rose. I assume you're within walking distance. Let's go; I can't let you walk home alone at this time of night.' He stated without so much as a glance at me as we both ascended up the stairs and into the fresh air of the night.

'I'm not going back.' I huffed, having another childish tantrum. But, my statement held truth. I didn't want to go back. I needed freedom for just one night and if it meant sleeping on a park bench, at this point, I wouldn't mind.

'Why not?' He asked, raising his eyebrow once again placing me somewhere between awe and annoyance. It was surprising what such a small action could do to me.

'I don't want to see any more...people.' I sighed, glancing at the night sky, watching the stars that were as bright as beacons line the night sky with an ominous, yet beautiful, glow. 

'Sorry if I'm mistaken but I can only assume that you are in foster care.' He stated as I faced him, my mouth gaping open.

'How did you...' I couldn't say any more. Sure, my statement had held some sort of relevance to my situation but I couldn't understand how a complete stranger could infer my living situation after just a few words.

'I've heard that statement a lot over my life. I left that place seven years ago.' I stared at him, shocked. Not only had this man been in the same situation but he was seven years older than me. Despite his height, his physique made him look younger, very early twenties, maybe. But, this made him twenty-four. Sure, he wasn't old, not at all, he was barely in his mid-twenties but hearing that we had a seven year age gap sent a weird feeling to my stomach.

'Fine. I know what it's like. And, this being an odd situation, I'm taking you to my apartment. I know if I leave you now, you'll end up sleeping on the streets.' He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as if in deep thought. 'I remember birthdays there too.' He let out a humourless laugh. 'They were stupid, really. Just stupid kids fighting over a stupid cake whilst you get a present no more than a dollar.' I smiled up at him, my eyes wide with shock but the offer making my stomach flutter.

'Are you sure you want to take a random seventeen-year-old girl to your apartment?' I joked, sending him a teasing smile. We were becoming quick friends and I wallowed in the feeling of laughing with another person present. I hadn't laughed at anything more than a book or a TV show in a long time. 

'Don't take it the wrong way.' He looked down at me, his lips quirking up into a small, juvenile-looking smile. 'You're a minor.' He winked jokingly, watching as I blushed furiously- manically trying to cover it with my hair. This man could not be doing this to me.

'Well, let's celebrate your birthday in a way that doesn't include underage drinking.' He laughed, leading the way.

'You make it sound so bad. Plenty of kids drink before they're eighteen. It's my birthday, give me some credit!' I retaliated, a smile still playing at my lips. 

'Alone?' His smiled transformed into a teasing smirk as he craned his neck to look up at the stars, looking as he was paying no attention to the conversation at hand. But, somehow, I knew he was. He was that type of man, as well, the man who pretends that he's not interesting when he really catches each word of your sentence and leaves nothing for granted- I liked that.

'Friends were coming?' My statement came out as a question as my blush became stronger. It was clear, at this moment, that my lying skills weren't as good as I thought they were. Of course, there was no real need to lie here and as a result, the lie had come out as it had.

'Come on, let's just get to the car.' He led me down the street and towards the car but it was nonetheless the first vehicle I had entered in a year and was better than anything I owned. He opened the door, like a stereotypical gentleman, for me and I jumped inside with a little too much excitement.

I was a teenage girl and there was no avoiding the 'stranger danger' talk but curiously, with Dimitri, I felt safer if anything. The voice inside of my head that was supposed to be nagging me only said this was okay. I felt the safest I had in a while.

He then stepped around the car and got into the driver's seat before rushing to put his seat belt on and soon we were speeding down the highway. 'What's the rush, Comrade?' I joked. I only received a murmur in reply, one in Russian at that. Russian was one of many languages I didn't know, English being the only one I could understand or speak. 'я еду домой, пока не передумал.'* That was all I got and I made no attempts to try and understand it, I couldn't even remember the words to look them up.

Soon enough, we pulled up in front of a shabby looking apartment complex that was crumbling at every corner. I skipped out of the car, giving no thought to the damaged state of the place he lived on. Anything was better than returning home right now, home being the only name I had for it.

Dimitri locked the car and followed behind me before taking a few faster steps and leading the way. We began walking and I looked over at him, shocked when we reached the fifth floor. He didn't say a word and I didn't ask until we reached our destination- floor fifteen.

I was panting by the time we had reached his front door and I felt that I was about to faint. Dimitri simply laughed but seemed slightly out of breath too. I looked around for the elevator, wondering why the hell we hadn't used that. Apparently, though, this complex had no elevator. What apartment complex doesn't have an elevator?! Especially one with over fifteen floors.

'Seriously, comrade. This is a good workout out.' I said between breaths, attempting to calm my erratic heart beat. 

'It is but you get used to it; I've lived here for a while.' He stated before unlocking the door and gesturing for me to enter. 'I guess I'm going to have to throw a party then.' He laughed, the door closing behind me and a sense of calm washing over me for the first time in a while.

This was the start of a new life, I knew it.

 

* * *

 

I looked at the unusually clean apartment and let it sink in for a second. My eyes widened and I whipped my head over to Dimitri who was now looking at me curiously. I began to button up some of the buttons of my shirt, earning me a quiet chuckle from Dimitri. 'Coffee?' He asked, tapping his foot as he waited for the supposedly 'instant' coffee to brew. Whilst he waited, he told me I was free to look around and despite feeling uncomfortable in a strangers house, I was too curious to ignore the offer. 

I went to the bathroom to inspect myself, finding only what I expected to see. I didn't look terrible but I sure was far from looking good. I was in more of a worse or wear state and I wasn't surprised when I saw the heavily shaded black circles under my eyes that even concealer couldn't cover up. I glanced to the sink and, to my surprise, I found a hairbrush on the sink. I wouldn't be surprised if a girl had left it here- Dimitri seemed to be the man that would attract girls. The thought made my stomach sink and I tried to ignore the weight pulling me down as I grasped the brush with my left hand. I brushed it through gently and began to tie up my scruffy hair with a stretched out hairband hanging from my wrist. I pulled it up into a skillful bun, my brown hair melding into an oddly perfect shape. 

I left the bathroom and took a quick look around the corridor but decided not to be as nosy as to peer into his bedroom so, instead, I returned to the kitchen- a room only separated from the living room by a slim row of counters.

I stood awkwardly as he finally began to approach the sofa, two cups of coffee in hand. 'Make yourself at home, it's your birthday after all.' He smiled at me, gently and I returned it warmly. The feeling of a smile on my lips comforting yet unfamiliar.

'I did decide that despite being against it, I put something in it as a present. I have nothing else to give you and you seem to have a liking to the substance.' He smiled distastefully but let me take a sip. I was shocked to feel a sharp burning in my throat. I recognised the feeling, though- vodka. I giggled childishly and smiled brightly against the rim of my mug. Dimitri was such an odd character and I was yet to determine just what he was like. He seemed so forward yet so much of his personality led me to believe he was shy or at least introverted. Yet, he had invited a seventeen-year-old girl to his house and it seemed that neither us really had any idea why.

'It seems today went better than expected.' I mused, taking another sip of the odd-tasting coffee. 

'Despite being unsure of why I did this and what will happen if someone finds out, I'm glad that you're enjoying your birthday.' He didn't smile but his lips quirked and I soon found out that was the smile he used for everyone. What I had seen before was reserved for me and I couldn't fathom how in just the few minutes I had known him, I had brought that out of him. 

'Who would find out?' I asked, timidly, looking up at his stony expression.

'Friends.' He shrugged, not making any continuations to his point.

'You have friends?!' I feigned shock, hiding my smile as I heard that gentle laugh for the first time- the one, just like his smile, that was reserved for me and only me. He had chuckled sure but his laugh was different. His laugh was warm, welcoming. I was entranced by his laugh and in the few seconds it lasted, I found myself lost within the moment.

'I like your laugh. Singular not plural, that was the first time I heard it.' He laughed again, letting himself relax and I couldn't help but smile and chuckle along. I was glad that the tension had cleared and despite this whole situation being an utter mess, I was glad that it was him who found me. He was kind; I hadn't found many people in my lifetime that were simply just kind.

'It's not a common occurrence; I can ensure you that.' He chuckled, the warmth still there but so faded that I already felt a longing to hear his laugh again. I was truly hypnotised by this man and I wasn't sure what I could do.

'Well, I want to get to know you better to test that point.' I smiled, nervous of bringing any hopes of the future into the conversation. 'Your laugh is nice. Although, the fact that I can make you laugh surprises me. After all, I'm just a random girl you found in a bar and somehow found it within yourself to bring her home.' I paused, reflecting back on the sentence. 'That really does seem creepy now I say it.' We both laughed and our eyes met. I bit my lip timidly but didn't break the contact. Something about him just wouldn't let me go. I couldn't pinpoint it but deep down I must have known. An unknown feeling can only be one feeling.

'Roza?' He called out as the room fell into a heavy silence. It seemed I had daydreamed for too long and the tension that was once in the room was beginning to creep back in.

'Roza? I like it, _comrade_.' I teased, filling the silence in the room.

'Why comrade? Where did that even come from?' He asked, his Russian accent smooth and friendly.

'Well, your Russian.' I stated as if it were obvious but he seemed unimpressed. Of course, I didn't know much about Russia but I was sure that I could recall a few things from my days at school.

'I don't think you know a thing about Russia.' He smiled, taunting me with a single look as he leaned back, folding his arms. 

'I do!' I defended. 'I did it at school.' It was meant to be a gloat but as the first questions came, my knowledge failed me. I got question after question wrong and my pride was beginning to falter. I pouted, sulking like a small child, and leaned back, mimicking his pose. 

'Okay, i'll give you an easy one.' He sighed and paused as I leaned forward, readying myself for the question. 'What's the climate of Baia?' He smirked, already sure I would get this wrong but I wouldn't, I was better than that. He had told me of his hometown, Baia, and I was sure I knew enough to make a solid guess.

'Well, I mean, it's Russia. Doesn't that make it like an arctic wasteland or something?' I answered, smirking smugly. I didn't realise that I had just got the final one wrong. That meant 0% for me.

'Wrong!' He called out, his voice ringing throughout the apartment as my once smug expression turned to dust as his seemed to mimic my previous one.

'How?!' I screeched, my mouth hanging open. I didn't remember much from my time at school but I did know that Russia was cold, very cold. 

'It's often fairly warm in Baia. Sure, there can be snow but the climates not too different to the climate here.' He answered, the smug look on his face seemingly attached now. I sagged back in defeat as his lips twitched in an awkward dance as he tried not to laugh at me. At least he tried, it was the effort that counted.

Another short silence fell as Dimitri went up to get himself another coffee even though I was barely half way through mine. When his back was turned, an idea came to my mind and somehow I had managed to say my thoughts aloud. I hadn't realise until I had said it and I was mortified. 'Can I stay tonight?' I had said it too loudly, too abruptly and my face had flushed a deep red, barely hidden by my tanned skin. 

Dimitri turned quickly as if he was shocked but just shrugged as if I hadn't just shouted out nonsense. 'I have room so feel free to. You're already here. Make sure to contact the home, though, they'll be worried about you.' He smiled gently and I felt myself relax. He had said yes. My mind couldn't comprehend it. The stranger had just said yes. I let out a breathy laugh, too quiet for Dimitri to hear from across the room. Then realisation dawned on me and suddenly, I felt uncomfortable again.

'Do you have a mobile I could borrow?' I asked shyly as he turned around to me, shocked.

'You don't have a mobile?' He asked, still slightly startled. 

'Never have, even before foster care.' He looked confused but simply shook his head and pointed to the landline that clung to the wall as if it were a lifeline- a lifeline that was barely keeping it alive. It would do for its purposes, though, so I went over to it and punched in the house's number and had a quick conversation with one of the staff members and we agreed I could stay at my 'friends' house. 

'I'm sorry to be inconvenient. I just...I couldn't face going back, not yet.' He looked at me, not a trace of remorse in his eyes. He knew what it was like, he had been in the same situation. That was one of the main factors of letting my stay in the first place.

'You can take the bed, birthday treat. I'll stay on the couch.' There didn't seem much room for argument but that didn't stop me. I gaped at him and was ready to throw myself on the couch if it stopped him.

'I can't do that! This is your house!' I shouted, raising my arms dramatically. 

'Roza.' He warned, calmly. I gritted my teeth but sighed, letting my muscles relax. I wasn't going to win this one and Dimitri's height alone sent me scurrying when he made an order. Knowing I had given up, Dimitri led me to his room, opening the door to reveal a plain room with simple cream walls and hardwood floors. A cheap but probably comfortable bed sat in the middle of the room, opposite the wooden dresser and despite the simplicity of it all, it was perfect.

'I can't thank you enough.' I whispered, tiredness weighing on me like a brick. I hadn't felt it before but despite the coffee and the small dose of alcohol, I was feeling more tired than I had in a while. The alcohol must have kept the caffeine from doing its magic, I thought as I collapsed onto the bed, Dimitri chuckling quietly at my antics.

'Don't worry about it but a warning in advance, I think my friends are coming over tomorrow morning so if they do, for some reason, see you. Be ready.' I gave him a concerned, and slightly fearful, look but he left without another word and I was left in the deafening silence of an empty room.

'Wait!' I called out and waited a few seconds before Dimitri peered into the room. 'Do you have anything I could sleep in?' I asked awkwardly, looking towards the dress, apprehensive to open it without his permission.

He stopped and thought for a moment before opening the dresser, the wooden screeching like a cat's claws on a chalkboard. He rummaged around before he found a top that was large enough to cover me like a dress. He threw it to me and I caught it with one hand, redeeming some of the dignity I had lost.

'Wear this. I'll leave you to sleep now. I'll see you in the morning, Roza.' I smiled, the nickname bringing light to the sentence and an odd warmth entrapped me. It felt that every time he said that name, a smile came to my face. I didn't even know why he had chosen it; I would have to ask hin.

And with that, I fell into a dreamless sleep, not thinking of the completely ludicrious situation that I had gotten myself into.

 

* * *

 

I woke up to someone hissing in my ear. Well not directly into my ear but someone was obviously having a quiet argument in my room. What was someone doing in my room? I groaned when I remembered what Dimitri had said about his friends coming round and that I was not in my room but his. This was going to be awkward.

'Lissa, she is not my girlfriend!' A familiar Russian accent hissed.

'So what's she doing in your bed?' She retorted.

'I think I should probably say I'm up before this goes any further.' I mumbled into the pillow. I rolled over and two pairs of eyes flew onto me. I cringed under their gaze, not only was I slightly frightened but I was attempting to pull down the top that had ridden up to my waist without them noticing. Luckily, I was covered by duvets but I still felt too bare.

'Rose, meet Lissa. One of my friends I told you about.' He gestured towards a tall girl with long blonde hair and green eyes that were to die for.

'Hi Lissa, I'm Rose.' As I introduced myself, I tugged myself out of bed. 

'And she's wearing your top!' She hissed, continuing the argument. I knew she thought I didn't hear her so I continued playing along. 

'I'm just going to get changed, I'll walk home.' I whispered shyly. In return, I got a shocked look from Dimitri which then led to a smug look from Lissa. 'One night stand much?' She mouthed at him as I traipsed to the bathroom. I didn't want to have a shower so I quickly got changed back into my clothes from the day before, I would have a shower when I got back to the shelter.

When I stepped out of the bathroom, Dimitri was waiting and Lissa had gone god knows where in the apartment. 'I'll give you a lift back, I won't let you walk.' 

'You've done too much for me already.' I assured

'Just tell me where your foster home is and I can drive you back with no hassle.' He replied. I sighed and gave in easily as I wasn't much for walking home anyway.

'When do you want to leave?' I asked.

'Now. I'll let you avoid Lissa's interrogation. I know you heard what she said, I need to persuade her otherwise.' He groaned. I thanked him and he quickly went into the living room and alerted Lissa that we would be a while as he was bringing me home. I could hear her sniggering but ignored it.

'Ready?' He asked. I nodded and we set off. Once again, I was left panting at the bottom of the stairs. 'Comrade, you need to find somewhere that has a lift.' I laughed, still panting. He just shook his head in fake disapproval with a small smile plastered on his face.

'Get in the car.' He urged and led me to his battered Honda. We sat in silence with quiet 80's music playing in the background, making me laugh. 'What's so funny?' He asked. 

'Just that you,' I pointed at him, 'listen to this.' I then pointed to the radio and he let out a small chuckle. 'I have a theory that says that your laugh isn't as rare as you describe it.' I interrogated.

'You bring it out with your stupid comments.' He let out another heart-melting chuckle.

'Stupid?' I pestered.

'Ok, how else would you describe them?' He asked with a knowing smile on his face.

'I would say they are art. Delicately crafted sentences designed to make people laugh, and that's exactly what they do. I'm a natural comedian.' I declared, holding back the laughter that threatened to come up. 

It wasn't soon before we both cracked up, me more than Dimitri. He just chuckled continuously whilst I became so red in the face that I looked like a tomato even against my tanned skin. Tears were streaming down my face and I was wiping them furiously. My declaration wasn't even that funny but just simply our situation and we both knew it.

Fifteen minutes later, we arrived back at the shelter and Dimitri froze solid. 'This was my old home, it's exactly the same.' He blurted. I stared at him, open-mouthed. Had he grown up here? Although I hadn't been here long, I still spent a lot of time here.

'You can come inside if you want?' I asked nervously.

'Who are the carers now, I might talk to them if they're still the same ones as when I grew up here.' 

'Sam and Carry.' They were both quite old so I wouldn't be surprised if they were the same and I assumed they were when he got out the car. I followed behind him and scrambled my pocket for the key and slammed it in the door and turned it with slightly too much force. I hated this place.

Dimitri and I walked in together and it was about lunchtime so most kids were running wild around the kitchen. Dimitri watched with a smile on his face at the innocent kids that waited patiently at the table for food. 'Should we go find Sam? I think Carry is out, she normally is at this time.' I asked.

'Sure.' He replied, shyer than before.

'Are you alright?' I asked sincerely. 

'Just memories.' He speculated. I nodded in understanding and dragged him off to where Sam was making soup. 'Hi Sam.' I waved, 'I brought someone with me if that's alright.' He smiled at Sam and he turned from where he was and saw Dimitri. Although Sam was old it didn't refrain him from his height, he was only an inch or two shorter. He went over and hugged Dimitri. 'How you've been?' He asked. Dimitri shrugged suddenly shy but Sam didn't mind. This is what Dimitri must be like with most people.

'Did you know Rose has your old room, Dimitri?' He asked. Dimitri didn't answer instead I blurted, 'You lived in the cave?' I asked wide-eyed. He nodded and dragged him out of the room. 'Well, come see your old room.' He smiled slightly and I brought him down the stairs and into my room.

That's how the next night that said stranger ended up in my room.

 

* * *

 

 

I pushed open the bedroom door and Dimitri stalked in behind me. He looked around, confused by his surroundings. 'What is it, Comrade?' I asked as I rummaged through my bare wardrobe.

'It just looks different.' He stated simply. He looked around and after a few seconds collapsed onto the chair in the corner of the small room. 

'Wait one second.' I held up a finger before rushing into the corridor and upstairs to the bathroom so I could get changed into something decent and in no time I was sprinting back into my room to see Dimitri reading a western novel on the same chair he had been sitting on when I left. 

'Where did you find that? It's not mine.' I asked. He pointed to a crack in the wall that had now been moved to reveal a hole. 

'I had to find places to put things. My friend kept on stealing my books.' I laughed at the seriousness on Dimitri's face as he said it. He raised his head from his book and looked me directly in the eye. 'I should probably go.' I nodded but realised there was something else.

'You need to get back to Lissa but thanks for bringing me here and hope you like what I've done with your room. Also,' I handed him a piece of paper with the address of the coffee shop I go to daily 'if you ever want to talk, or just meet, I'll probably be there.' I smiled as he got up and walked out into the corridor. We waved before he disappeared and left me to sit on my bed, he was the only thing on my mind. It shouldn't be like this, he was seven years older than me. It was illegal for a start, just feeling this for him was against society's rules. I sighed and rummaged through my wardrobe again. Dimitri wasn't the only one to have a place to hide things. Mine was different, though, mine didn't hide books but instead the booze.

I put the small bottle of vodka in my bedside drawer and lay on my bed waiting for the evening to come and the drinking games would start- alone. This was different to normal. Normally this was to forget my parents, the incident, now it was to forget him. The man I could never have. I had only been with him for a couple of hours and he was the first to make me laugh, smile, make witty comments and most of all- feel alive.

I lay on my bed for hours and as I heard Sam calling for people to come for dinner, I knew it was late enough. I locked my door with the make-shift lock I had made and took out the bottle of vodka and downed as much as I could in one. It burned but not as much as the heartache I felt. I took shot after shot until I could hardly feel my body. 

I stumbled out of my room and through the corridors and soon I was out on the streets stumbling to the one place I knew I shouldn't go: the bar. Dimitri probably wasn't working there, said my muddled mind that had lost all logic. If I was sober, I would have realised that Dimitri probably worked most nights in the bar but drunk- my mind didn't even register the chance.

It took me a lot longer than normal to reach the warehouse and the bouncer let me stumble straight in, they didn't seem bothered by the state I was in. I almost fell down the stairs but a pair of strong arms caught me. 'Oh God, I'm so sorry.' He stammered. I looked up and realised just who it was. Even in this drunk state, I would never forget those eyes. The eyes that I was falling in love with.

'Dimitri.' I slurred, unable to make the words come out properly.

'Oh, Roza.' The nickname sent shivers down my spine but not before I felt the effects of the vodka on me. Black spots appeared in my vision and I fell into the man I love's arms.

 

* * *

 

I woke up in Dimitri's arms. He was holding me bridal style and hauling me up the stairs to his apartment. 'You're awake.' He stated, not sounding that interested. Well, angry more than anything else.

'I'm sorry.' The vodka still was in my bloodstream and caused me to end up a sobbing mess, still in Dimitri's arms. 'я тоже' He mumbled in Russian (Me too) . I hated that I couldn't understand when he spoke in Russian but I was too caught up in apologies and sobs to pay attention to his murmurs.

He put me down, although I kept my arms around his waist, as he opened the door. He picked me up again when we were inside. He probably didn't want me to destroy his apartment with my clumsy stumbling.

The alcohol was slowly leaving my system, very slowly, but my mind was starting to clear. My judgements weren't as rash although it didn't stop me from falling onto Dimitri's lap.

'Roza.' He sighed. 'This is too much. I wasn't sure yesterday but I see it now. You need to get out of foster care, it's taking its toll on you and I can't watch as that happens.' His short speech caused more tears to roll down my cheeks. Why did he always have to be so right?

'I just want them back.' I cried into his lap. 'They loved me, nobody does now. No one gives a damn whether I live or die!' My sobs became louder and louder as I clutched his wet shirt.

'I care.' He murmured as he stroked my hair. I looked up at him and lost myself in his eyes.

That is when I admitted to myself that I was in love with Dimitri Belikov.

 

* * *

 

 

I cried into the man I love's arms until I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was in Dimitri's bed covered in multiple blankets and Dimitri's slumped body in the chair next to me. 'Dimitri!' I whispered whilst gently shaking his shoulder. He opened his bleary eyes and suddenly tensed before realising it was me who stood in front of him.

'What time is it?' He murmured.

'7, from what I could see.' The sun was still rising in the window but it was past sunrise. I gazed out of the window until Dimitri pulled me focus. He mumbled in response and dragged himself to the kitchen. He slumped on the couch and decided to make coffee so he would wake up a bit.

'How long have you been asleep?' I asked sincerely. 

'About two hours?' He replied, a hint of confusion in his voice.

'TWO HOURS!' I screeched, had he been watching me? Did he actually care about me? Did he...did he love me too? No, he didn't. He was seven years older than me for god's sake!

'Two hours is not that short, Roza.' The nickname sent shivers down my spine and distracted me from me initial anger for a few seconds until I snapped back into my previous mood.

'Yes, it is! IF YOU THINK TWO HOURS ISN'T SHORT!' I screamed in his ear, almost causing him to spill his coffee. 'Sorry.' I murmured as some of it splashed onto his leg. He seemed unaffected but I could see where it was burning his clothes and, underneath, his leg. 'Oh God! You're going to be burnt!' I panicked. 

'I can't even feel it.' He mumbled, slowly falling asleep on the couch. I didn't listen to what he said, he was in a state of delirium and was in no condition to be talking. I ran to the cabinet closest to me and searched for a cloth and found one in one of the final cupboards I looked in. I ran cold water on it and dabbed it over his leg. He hissed at the pressure but drifted asleep not long after, giving me time to check he was fine. 

I shouldn't have even been worried, it was a coffee spill for god's sake! It happens all the time but with Dimitri, seeing him in any type of pain caused my heart to clench. Stupid crush. I sighed and carried on dabbing his leg before realising that the injury was not at all bad and he was alright to sleep on the couch. I lay a blanket over him before getting ready to walk home. 

I was about to leave when a sudden flash appeared in front of me. I tensed as it reminded me of the gunshot from the incident. My heart clenched but I relaxed when I saw it had just been Dimitri's phone. I was surprised, when I picked it up, that it had no password and I quickly went on to find 48 missed texts from Lissa, 32 from a guy called Eddie and 3 from a guy called Christian. 

I didn't read them but realised I should probably text back before I left in case they were worried. Well, to stop them being worried because after that many texts, I was a hundred percent sure that they were worried.

_Dimitri's asleep, this is Rose. He only got about two hours sleep last night so I wouldn't wake him for a bit._

I struggled as I texted, not used to the device in my hand. It was foreign to me. Either way, after minutes of hard toil over the buttons I hit send and put the phone back where it belonged. 

I sent it to Lissa and grabbed my bag and walked home not wanting to disturb Dimitri's life any further. He had done so much for me, I couldn't thank him enough but I was a burden to him. I couldn't help but let the guilt build up. I was on the verge of tears when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Lissa, the girl I had met the other day, looking down at me. 

'Are you alright?' She asked. I realised I must have looked like a wreck. I hadn't given a damn about it until she looked down at me with worry-filled eyes. I hadn't brushed my hair or teeth in ages and I was on the verge of crying so I wouldn't be surprised if my eyes were red and tears were flowing. 

I nodded, unable to give a proper response, and to my utter surprise she dragged me into a hug. 'Was it Dimitri?' I shook my head, although it involved him, he was not in the wrong. I was.

'You're in no state to go home. You're coming with me.' As she said it, I couldn't help but feel as if we were best friends. I looked at her with such happiness that I'm pretty sure was what led her to let go of me and instead grab my hand and pace towards our destination.

'Where are we going.' I asked.

She simply replied with 'Dimitri.' I froze for a second making her tug on my arm.

'I can't.' I murmured.

'You've been over at his so much recently, he won't mind.'

'That's the problem!' I replied, a little too loudly. 'I've become a burden, I can't do that to him.'

'You really like him don't you?' I was shocked and immediately knew what she meant. I didn't answer but hung my head down, trying to hide my blush. 'Knew it!' She squealed. I stifled a laugh but couldn't help but release a quiet chuckle as she carried on her antics.

'Just don't bring it up, he's seven years older than me! It's embarrassing!' I replied, shyly.

'Ok, but we haven't actually talked about what you just said. Why are you a burden to him?'

'Well...' I started, 'I'm not sure how much you know, do you know how we met?' I asked cautiously.

'No, the only thing he told me was that you were seventeen and staying at his for the night.'

'Well, we met in the bar whilst he was at work. So.....well..... I'm seventeen and I was in a bar...' I gave up on trying to explain but she quickly figured it out on her own.

'Don't think I'm a bad person...' I begged, I had finally made a new friend- now wasn't the time to ruin it.

'I don't. But Rose, I need to know what the problem is. Not with the alcohol, that's something else entirely...but Dimitri. I need to know what's wrong.' She interrogated, cocking one eyebrow as if daring me to answer. And seriously, I was the only one who couldn't do it.

'It's just...that...well....' I hesitated but couldn't help but blurt it out. 'It's just that Dimitri had done so much for me and I can't help but find myself a nuisance, ok!?' I shouted, unable to control my pent up anger.

I felt the horrible surge of anger as I saw Lissa try, badly, to not laugh. 'You really don't see how he feels do you?' She laughed. I couldn't help but blush at the implication she was putting across and attempted to hide my reddening cheeks with my hair only making her laugh more. 'You like him don't you!' She screeched, making multiple people look in our direction only increasing the blush. I didn't reply but it was pretty obvious what I felt and I soon felt Lissa's hand on my back. 'Returning to my point, you shouldn't feel bad. He loves you too.' She sighed.

'Love!? We've known each other for a day or two, love probably hasn't even been registered on his mind.' I panicked, only emphasising my feelings for him.

'Love at first sight. You two are like a fairy tale!?' She squealed like a girl, almost jumping in excitement.

'A fairy tale consisting of an alcoholic minor and the bartender that's seven years older!' I couldn't help but doubt the relationship I wished we were in. Under all the circumstances, it wouldn't work. For a start, it was illegal.

'Alcoholic, Rose what's going on!' Lissa demanded.

'I'll explain at some point but for now, I'm going home.' I sighed and started to drag myself in the other direction but her hand caught my wrist and dragged me in the other direction. 'Where are we going!' I cried.

'Dimitri's. I, the matchmaker, am in the zone to pair you two up.' She smiled and let out a quiet giggle that I couldn't help but copy.

That's how I met the girl that was to become my sister.

 

* * *

 

 

We were in no rush to get to Dimitri's so on the way we made multiple stops and Lissa didn't hold out from splashing out on both of us, much to my dismay.

'You are not getting me that!' I screeched as we reached, the promised, last store we would go into. I already had four bags strung on my arm whilst Lissa was carefully balancing eight, distributing them between both arms, making her look like a shopping expert, which I didn't doubt she was.

'It's only 1000! Please!' She begged, holding up the phone. It was the latest IPhone and I couldn't help but marvel it but it was too much for someone else to buy. I hadn't had a mobile in years and to suddenly get the latest IPhone wouldn't only damage Lissa's budget but my mental stability as well.

'1000! What is money to you! I used to scrape for five dollar notes left on streets!' I retorted but Lissa didn't seem fazed and decided against arguing so she just picked up the box with the phone inside and bought it without giving me time to even put a word in.

'Lissa! I've only known you for a day and you're buying me an IPhone! This is ridiculous!' I couldn't help but argue even after she had bought it.

'Nothing less for my friend's future wife.' She teased.

'Liss!' I hissed, a blush spreading across my tanned cheeks.

'What! It's true! You two are a fairytale!' She screamed into my ear making me flinch back but I was nonetheless laughing. A few bags were falling off my arm and I went to pick them up when somewhen else did it for me.

'Here.' They said, I looked up and it was Dimitri. My blush got even heavier as I tried to block out Lissa's laughs. Dimitri looked down at me curiously but didn't say a word until he asked: 'why did you leave?'

Damn it! The one thing I didn't want him to ask me.

'Um...' I hesitated and that was all he need to realise something was wrong.

'Roza? What's wrong.' I opened my mouth to reply with any lame excuse but all that came out was silence.

'Fine. I'll say it. We were getting you a birthday present.' She sighed, she was an amazing liar and a life saver right now. I looked at her and I think she saw the thanks in my eyes.

Dimitri seemed to hesitant to believe her but shrugged and carried on the conversation.

'Anyone want to come to the cafe with me? I was about to get lunch.' He asked and I immediately looked at Lissa for permission but she was already leading the way.

'I guess so.' I followed after her but not before Dimitri took my bags. He didn't say a word but followed after Lissa with the majority of my bags.

When we arrived at the cafe I realised that I had no money and was ready to make an escape plan until Dimitri came up to me and said, 'I'm paying don't worry.'

It was as if he had read my mind, I was about to argue but held his hand up and he obviously wasn't going to take any of it.

'Here's my phone. Call the foster home.' Damn it! I forgot about them. I thanked him and called the shelter up. They didn't seem to mind me staying with Dimitri: they trusted him.

I returned to the table to find two more people there. I looked at Lissa and Dimitri expectantly but neither said a word. I sat down in the, too colourful, booth.

'I'm Christian. Lissa's boyfriend.' I shook his hand. He had extremely pale skin and raven black hair falling into his amazing blue eyes. He was hot. Not to Dimitri standard or anything but he was a good match for Lissa.

'Eddie.' The next guy introduced himself. He was hot as well, still not as hot as Dimitri though. Eddie, in contrast to Christian, had dusty blonde hair and pale blue eyes. 'Not Lissa's boyfriend.' He joked and I laughed nervously.

'Meet the gang!' Lissa gestured to all of us excitedly. 'Well we're missing Mia and Jill but they shouldn't be long.' As if on cue, two small girls sat down at the table.

They said their names and the exact same time but Lissa introduced ten separately. I noticed Jill cosy up to Eddie and I pointed at them both. 'You two an item?' They both blushed bright red, moved apart, and shook their heads. I stifled a laugh as one more person sat down.

'How could I forget. The last of the group! The Adrian Ivashkov.' I laughed at the title as I had never heard the name but shook his hand politely. I couldn't help but notice Dimitri's glare but ignored it.

'I'm Dimitri's cousin.' He stated, slurring his words.

Dimitri murmured something in Russian that I didn't pick up and ignored it anyway.

'Nice to know.' I smiled awkwardly and he gave me a flirty smile, letting his hair cover his similarly green eyes to Lissa's.

'Now it's the whole gang.' Lissa stated still a little too exited.

'Nice to meet you all.' I said politely as I could, suddenly trying to hide my accent.

Mine was as normal as it got, well so I thought. To me, all these guys sounded _very_ posh _._ This only led me to trying to tone down my accent, much to my failure.

'Roza, are you alright?' Dimitri asked, noticing that I was clearly changing my voice. Lissa was looking at me expectantly and the whole group seemed slightly curious.

'I need to go.' I spat out and ran from the table. I could hear Dimitri's footsteps behind me and I picked up the pace. I knew what I needed and I needed it quick.

We weren't far from the shelter and it only took me five minutes to get hear. After a while, Dimitri's footsteps had dimmed and I assumed he had returned to his friends. I was glad, I wasn't worth his time.

I ran to my room, ignoring Sam and Carry's hellos. I pulled open the bedside drawer and took out the last vodka bottle and took the longest drag I could without throwing it back up.

The pain in the back of my throat was nothing compared to the happiness that I suddenly felt but as I went on my mood got worse and worse.

That was how I ended up crying into my pillow with a vodka bottle in hand.

 

* * *

 

I woke up with one of the worst hangovers I had ever had. This wasn't just a headache; this was agony. At least I was still in my bed, without Dimitri.

I couldn't face them again. They all seemed so expectant of me, what if I wasn't to their standard? What if I wasn't worth being their friend?

My thoughts were brought to a finish when I heard Carry shout 'Breakfast! Everyone get up!' I dragged myself out of bed, ignoring the hammer in my head. I felt like I was being dragged towards the floor but forced myself to the kitchen.

The smell immediately put me off food but Carry, as usual, knew I wasn't one to eat at the shelter. She handed me a fiver and I raced out the door, hoping I could get to the coffee shop before the rush hit. It was only a ten-minute walk and due to my fast pace, I got there in five. There was no queue yet so I ordered a cappuccino and sat down in the almost empty coffee shop.

There was only one other person in the cafe and they didn't seem to notice me until they looked up from the book they were reading and practically ran over to me: it was Dimitri.

I felt the urge to hide my face but it was no use, I was the only other customer in here. 'Don't.' I warned, hoping not to get shouted out in front of the whole staff of the shop.

'Don't what?' He questioned, not seeming angry at all.

'Oh.' I dropped my head, how could he not be angry? After all I just did to him. Maybe I was exaggerating it in my own mind. I had ulterior motives for everything I did, the bickering in the back of my brain. Everything I did was controlled by one sentence that I couldn't ever leave but tried endlessly to avoid and as I looked into the eyes that made me melt I couldn't help but remember the true reason I left him alone. The true thing that led me to drink. The true reason that everything I did was wrong.

'Time to end the Mazurs.'

I was the only Mazur left. The one left to kill. The thought of it pushed me into a hole, unable to escape. I guess that was what the alcohol was for: to forget.

As Dimitri sat there, I couldn't help but remember why I had tried to let him go. Not only had he done so much for me but in that, he put himself in danger.

I buried my face in my hands, unable to look up at his beautiful eyes. How he wasn't angry? I don't know but it was something that I wasn't ready to deal with. His caring nature broke me, I showed myself to him without even knowing. I was transparent with him without even saying a word.

'Don't what, Rose?' He repeated.

'Don't try to fix me like this! I can't take it! Just leave me be, leave me to be the disaster I am!' He seemed shocked by my outburst but hid it well. I didn't know where it had come from but I immediately regretted my words.

'Dimitri I-' My apology was stopped when he came to sit next to me and pulled me into a hug. I felt the tears coming on but refused to let them spill.

'Rose, what happened? I know something is wrong and you are not telling me. It pains me to see you like this.' I couldn't help but let a few tears spill. Why did he have to be so...so nice!?

'Why do you do it?' I said, wording my thoughts. He looked at me, raising an eyebrow.

'Why do you bother with me. I'm just a stupid, useless, reckless girl that is stopping you from getting on with your life.' He looked at me, not ever removing his gaze from my eyes. He shook his head and sighed.

'Rose, you are none of them to me. You're beautiful, OK, maybe a bit reckless but kind and loving as well. What has gotten into you lately?' He asked, his Russian accent becoming slightly thicker.

'I just... I don't think you should be wasting your time on me. I'm just an alcoholic teenager with too many problems. Come on Dimitri, you know that you've been taking up your time. How many days of work have you missed?'

'Not many Rose, and yes, I have spent a lot of time on you because I wanted to. I could have kicked you out of the bar and never thought of you again but I did! Don't you understand?' He was pleasing now, something I thought I would never see him do.

'You don't know everything about me.' I murmured but he heard and raised an eyebrow again, which was really starting to annoy me.

'Then tell me Rose, please.' He begged. I couldn't believe I had brought a six foot seven man to beg but I had and I didn't know how.

'I can't, if I keep it to myself no one will get hurt.' I whispered, too nervous to bring my voice any louder.

'Rose, is someone trying to hurt you.' He suddenly sounded angry, it scared me. I shrugged, too fearful to bring myself to speak.

He knew that meant yes and pulled me closer to his chest. A sob rose in my chest but I held it in leading more tears to roll down my cheeks.

'I'm bringing you back to mine, you shouldn't be out in public, nor should you go back- there.' I knew he meant the shelter, everyone struggled to find a name for the place. He brought me to life and I noticed the stares I was getting from the filling cafe. I ignored them and clenched Dimitri's hand as he led me outside to his car.

'How did you find me?' I was suddenly curious as I went into the passenger seat.

'You told me you loved coffee so I looked in the nearest coffee shop to the home.' I was shocked, if he had got it wrong would he have searched more? Then I realised, 'this isn't the closest.' He nodded.

'This was the third one I looked in.'

'What!? You shouldn't have done that for me! This is what I mean about wasting your time!' My voice became quicker and quicker as I became more panicked.

'I needed to.' On that note, we sat in silence.

That's how my love for him only grew more, and I knew, it was never going to stop growing.

 

* * *

 

 

We pulled up to his apartment in his battered car. Not that I wasn't grateful, even being in a car was amazing. I missed it. I'd had a year of lost memories, lost opportunities, and now I had it all back. Dimitri had given it back. The apartment seemed in better condition than usual but decided not to mention it. I hated to complain about what could only be called the first opportunity I had gotten in a while.

Dimitri strode ahead of me and up the continuous flights of stairs towards the apartment that was becoming all too familiar. I smiled as I entered and saw, in his bedroom, my bag. I had thought I had left it at the cafe but I must have been mistaken.

I peered inside the bag to find my favourite outfit alongside my most comfortable shoes and most of my toiletries. 'I never brought this to yours?' I mostly said to myself but surprised to remember that. I had been drunk every night I came to his and I would never bring a backpack to the club.

'I found it in the cafe yesterday.' He mentioned to my surprise.

'How did you know it was mine?' I asked.

'It has your name on the side of it, well I assume. I didn't know your last name was Mazur.' I heard the familiar sound of pity in his voice.

'Let me guess. You heard about my parents in the news.' I said, getting more annoyed by the second. 'You know nothing.' I mumbled.

'Yes I did and- I wasn't going to bring it up but- this is why you drink, isn't it?' I was shocked not to hear sorry's or multiple condolences. I looked into Dimitri's eyes and they were full of understanding. I nodded but felt the sudden urge to ask.

'Have you lost a parent?' He nodded pained.

'My father killed her when I was thirteen. He left me and me three sisters to clean it up.' The disgust in his voice was outweighed by the pain and agony. My arms trembled at my sides and I soon gave up. I ran towards his and crushed him in a hug.

He wrapped his arms gently around me in return. We both felt the same pain. I had lost both my parents but what he had was worse. A dead mother and a murderer for a father. I couldn't believe a situation worse.

'Dimitri...' I started but he immediately put his finger to my lips.

'Don't. For now, let's just get something to eat.' He didn't even know what I was going to say. I guess it was the one thing I should never say but I was so ready to say it. I was glad he stopped me, looking back, it would have been so wrong to say.

He led me to the kitchen, I was still speechless. 'What happened to your father?' His fists clenched and his voice came out strained, 'death row.' Wow, I managed to make the conversation even worse. He came over with two plates of pasta and lay them on the coffee table as we both sat on the couch. His fists were clenched and were turning white. It was unbearable to watch so I brought his hands into mine and he visibly relaxed.

We looked at each other ignoring just how wrong this was. I knew he felt what I felt but couldn't bear to see him go through this pain. I pulled away, knowing it was for the best, but he clasped them again. 'No.' He murmured, just loud enough for me to hear.

'Why?' I whispered, feeling on the verge of tears for putting him through this pain. He stayed silent, still clasping my hands as if they were his lifeline.

All I could focus on was his lips, nothing else. We leaned forward and when were almost touching I murmured, 'we can't.'

He stayed silent for a while, never moving away, before speaking. 'I know.' There was no holding back. He tugged me into a passionate kiss. I fell harder, harder than I ever though I could.

Not only was this my first kiss with him but it was my first ever. That wasn't great seeing as I was seventeen but I didn't care. I only cared about him and him alone. I straddled him and kissed him harder.

I was brought to life when the doorbell rang and I immediately fling myself off him. Only then did I realise my top had come off somewhere during the kiss and I searched furiously for it whilst Dimitri answered the door.

I got it on just as Lissa entered the room. 'I've been looking for you.' She said. I stared blankly at her for a few seconds unable to think of a good reply.

'You were?' Was the best I could come up with. She nodded and without another though brought me into a hug.

'I was so worried about you.' She murmured into my hair as she was a fair amount taller than me.

'Why?' I asked, still unable to think of any good answers.

'What do you mean why?! You left without a word! I thought something bad had happened!' She suddenly screeched, taking a step back. Although this was Dimitri's apartment, he had left us alone.

'I-I-' My words came out stuttered and formed gibberish in my mouth.

'What happened, Rose? What was with the funny accent?' I looked at the floor suddenly feeling a lot smaller.

'You're too good for me.' I mumbled, hoping she wouldn't hear, but she did and pulled my into another hug.

I felt like crying but kept the tears in, fearing another outburst. I wasn't going to tell her what happened between Dimitri and I but I wanted to desperately.

She finally released me and Dimitri entered the room. 'I think you better go home now.' He said, looking at the floor. Lissa seemed oblivious to the tension and offered to give me a lift back. I agreed easily not wanting to talk to Dimitri. My love had only grown but I was still nervous to talk about what just happened.

That was how I ended up with another empty bottle next to my bed.

 

* * *

 

 

Another day- another hangover. Just getting up caused the pain in my head to explode, stabbing like a thousand tiny needles. I fought the urge to clutch my head and fall to my bed again and got up, stumbling towards the wardrobe. I spun my hair into a messy bun and draped on a t-shirt and jeans, covering it with a bland, grey hoodie. I headed towards the kitchen, tripping over my own feet on the way there, searching for a coffee. I wasn't one for an instant coffee but my system was begging for caffeine.

As I clambered up the stairs I suddenly heard raised voices, two I recognised very distinctly. As I reached the top, I felt a lot more sobered than before. I casually leaned in, hoping not to bump into any other of the annoying kids around here. I caught glimpses of the conversation and I had a jest of what they were saying and- no.

I paused, the realisation suddenly hitting me. Dimitri and Sam were fighting in the office over- over my adoption. My adoption by Dimitri. Well, not exactly adoption but for him to become my legal guardian until I turned eighteen. Dimitri seemed even more adamant against it than I was, we both knew why. That kiss had changed everything.

I waited and waited for him to say his final no and leave but what I was not expecting was the resigned yes that ended the conversation. Dimitri left without a word, he would be back later, but before he made it out of the building he turned and saw me leaning, failing to be casual, against the wall outside the office. Suddenly feeling sobered I got off the wall and walked towards him.

Shock molded his features but he quickly recovered himself. 'Rose.' He nodded in acknowledgment. I fumbled for something to say but before I could think I blurted, 'what was that about?' I knew I had been eavesdropping so didn't try to hide it. 'It's as much up to you as it is to me.' He stated. I felt some sort of relief but couldn't push back the voice that said he was lying, whether he knew it or not.

'Why did you say yes?' I asked, hoping I misheard. Instead, he gave me the one thing Dimitri would always give me- reason. 'Rose, you're in a bad place now. And, whatever happened between us was- I don't know. But, you're a minor anyway and this will change nothing. When you turn eighteen it will all be revoked but for now, you need a parent figure. Although I don't think I can supply that, I believe I can be the best big brother you could ever want.' A smile played on his lips. It was contagious, a small smile fell onto mine and I flung myself into his arms.

I ignored the whole zen-life lesson behind it, I was just glad that he cared. That anyone cared. He hugged me back gently, drawing a crowd of whispering children who didn't conceal that they were talking about us. I wanted to kiss him again but now, it wasn't an option.

I finally unraveled myself and looked up at him, craning my neck slightly. He had a smile on his face, a smile that I had learnt was very rare, and I felt it reflected into mine too.

'I'm sorry for lashing out. You made a good decision.' I smiled at him and gave him another hug before he had to leave.

I returned to my room to scramble for some change to get my daily coffee and as soon as I found three dollars, mostly in ten cents, I sprinted outside, desperate for a coffee.

I reached it in record time and quickly grabbed a coffee from the barista, who had my order ready by the time I got there. I sat in my normal booth and felt the memories of Dimitri flood back to me. A smile spread across my face and as I tried to hide my blush under my hair, another person sat opposite me.

I looked up, hoping desperately for it to be Dimitri but instead saw Lissa. I grimaced, turning my gaze to the floor. I hated to think that I had cried on her, only proving how unworthy I was. She grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her and I could already feel the tears in my eyes. My day was spiraling downwards, fast.

'Rose, I need to know why you feel this way. I already feel like your sister. Why do you put yourself down and refuse our friendship?' She asked sincerely, her gaze never leaving mine. 'It's just how I am OK!?' I burst, letting my emotions flood out of me. A clenched my fists but I felt like I was fighting a darkness that I didn't know was there.

'I'm sorry.' I apologised quickly and relaxed my fists. 'It's just me being an idiot, as always.' I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

'This is what I mean, Rose! You keep putting yourself down. After the meal everyone was really upset that you had left, they liked you- well, apart from Christian but he likes no one.' She laughed and I stifled a giggle as I felt like a true gossiping teenager.

'Have you heard anything from Dimitri today?' I asked, wondering whether he had told anyone. She shook her head but I didn't elaborate, in case it didn't go through. I still felt nervous about the whole thing, I felt as if I should let myself be excited but in truth I felt like it was a lie. It felt like just another way to destroy my heart.

I ignored my pain and carried on talking to Lissa before she got suspicious. I ignored the previous topic and groped for a new subject but before I could speak, she interrupted me. 'Rose, I want to try again. Can you try another meet up with all of us? For me?' She plead. I felt embarrassed that I had brought her down to that level so I agreed and let her continue excitedly about what we would do.

We agreed to meet in the cafe down the road from the one we were sitting in and I made a promise not to leave. We had been in the cafe for at least an hour and we planned to go out with everyone tomorrow so I decided to head back to, if you could even call it this, home. Lissa said she would pick me up and I could get ready at hers and I agreed, wanting to look my best. If I was going to be friends with them, I promised I would try my best.

I walked down the street back to the shelter. I went inside, pushing myself through the crowds of kids in the front yard, and went to help Sam in the kitchen. With so many mouths to feed, cooking was always a large task and I was happy to help. I entered silently and without acknowledging me, Sam let me get to work so as he cleared up lunch, I prepared dinner.

We worked in silence, letting my mind drift. I though about my conversation but every thought led my back to Dimitri. Every time I thought of him, I felt a pit in my stomach. I wanted to trust him, I did trust him, but I could let myself believe that he cared for me. Yes, he had kissed me but from the way he's acting, I don't think it meant anything to him. The overwhelming sadness grew bigger and I didn't even realise until I felt blood trickle down my finger.

The knife lent gently on my finger over a fine cut. I hadn't been concentrated and had caught my finger instead. I didn't sting but I didn't want to give a bunch of food covered in drops of blood so I hurried to the bathroom and washed my hands.

When I returned, Sam had taken over and he shooed me out the kitchen. 'You need to get a plaster on that and I'm fine to do this myself.' Even though Sam was old, he was a worker. You could probably describe him as a workaholic so I left him to do his work and went to relax in my room.

I lay on my bed, finding nothing else to do but count the amount of damp stains on my ceiling. 15, 19, 12. The number kept changing and it was infuriating but not important- it was just a distractions. I counted over and over again, finally coming to the conclusion of fourteen.

I laughed at myself for spending an hour counting stains but felt like myself again- a bored teenager. They called dinner and I decided to go for once. Sam had finished the lasagna I was making and served each kid a decent portion. There were ten of us in total but we had a constant stream of people coming in and out meaning there were 14 of us sat at the large circular table.

I ate it in just over five bites, I had forgotten my famous Mazur eating skills. Everyone looked at me wide eyed, making me remember that this was the second time in the whole time I've been here that I ate with everyone else. I put on a cocky grin and washed up my plate before strutting out- it felt good to feel in my old skin again. I didn't know where my good mood came from but I was glad for it and ignored my internal nagging about the next day.

I went straight to bed, for once, wanting to be awake for the meet up tomorrow so as soon as I had changed I fell onto my bed and fell into a dreamless sleep.

That was the moment when I realised, I wanted to be myself again.

 

* * *

 

 

I woke up with butterflies in my stomach. I rushed out of bed and towards the wardrobe looking for a suitable outfit. I looked through and found nothing so put on a simple black tank top and jeans. I hoped Lissa would let me borrow something when I was at hers. Sighing, I sat back down on the bed and waited for breakfast.

When they finally called, I ran up the stairs to grab an instant coffee and wait for Lissa outside. It wasn't long before Lissa pulled up in a small red Mini Cooper and I immediately jumped inside. It was amazing; I had found Dimitri's car amazing and his was a beaten up Honda Civic but this, this was like luxury.

Lissa laughed as I looked in awe around the car. 'How old are you, anyway?' I asked, wondering how old she had to be to even buy this nice a car.

'22 but I'm the last of my family so when they- went- I got a lot of money.' She pulled up in front of the house just in time because as soon as she stepped out the car, her whole body was shaking slightly.

'Lissa!' I rushed over to her and enveloped her in a hug, rubbing her back gently. 'Just don't think about it, Ok? I know what it feels like, just don't think about it.' She looked up and I could see tears in her eyes but its was mostly curiousity in her eyes.

'I lost my family too. I'm the last, just, I didn't get any money.' I put on a fake smile in hopes to cheer her up and she seemed to perk up a bit. She walked up to the front door and only now did I notice the giant mansion in front of us.

'What!' I squeaked, lost for words. 'How...how can this be your house?' She laughed from the doorway and just shouted, 'get inside!' I followed obediently and was struck by the grandeur of the interior. It was fit for a queen.

'Do all your friends have giant mansions? Excluding Dimitri, of course.' Lissa sighed.

'Our friends, Rose. And no, some do, some don't. Of course, most of us are older than you but some live normally. Mia's the same age as you so she's still living with her parents.' Lissa waved her hand absent-mindedly not seeming to care that much.

She seemed attentive when we entered her room and I was shocked to see bags of makeup spread across the room and two outfits laying on the bed. 'You didn't have to do this, Lissa?' I was shocked and could barely comprehend the amount of things out, let alone the cost of it all.

Lissa ran over to one of the outfits, picked it up and threw it at me. I barely caught it all but I had always had fast reflexes so caught most of it with ease. 'Are you sure, I'm fine to go in what I'm already wearing.' I tried once more, knowing it was a pointless argument.

She stayed adamant and just folded her arms, letting me know she was going to make me wear the outift: even if she had to push it over my head with my arms and legs tied. I sighed and went to the bathroom, getting ready as quickly as I could.

I left without looking in the mirror and as I entered the room, Lissa just looked at me before squealing so high that I swear it could have made me go deaf. 'You. Look. Amazing!' She screeched, making me cover my ears. 'Now all I have to do is a bit of makeup and your hair and you look like a princess.'

She was right. I stared in the mirror at my new look. My makeup was simple but stood out, my whole face looked different. My hair had been put in a bun with two ringlets shaping my face either side and a beautiful diamond, though I hope they were fake, clip keeping the bun in place.

My outfit was truly to die for. We were only going to the cafe but Lissa told me I had to look my best. In some people's eyes it might have seemed quite normal but I had lived off so little for months now, I had forgotten what luxury felt like. The white dress wasn't formal but wasn't casual either. It had a heart neckline and it ruffled at the bottom yet with the leather jacket that covered it, I brought it off as everyday wear.

My cheeks almost hurt from smiling so much. Lissa stood beside me with a simple green sundress and a blue denim jacket over it. We both wore black heels though mine were a lot taller so we were now the same height. I pulled Lissa into a bone-crushing hug and thanked her over and over until it was time to leave.

The journey there was quick and Lissa took us in her overly price white convertible. When we got out the car we walked the short walk to the cafe from the parking lot and we both got too many stares compared to what I was used to.

We were standing outside the cafe and I couldn't help but stare at it in awe. It was beautiful and more like a patisserie than a cafe. Cake's lined the window along with a whole shelf of chocolate-glazed donuts that made me drool. Lissa laughed at my childness and dragged me inside to were all our friends were sitting.

Before I sat down, I couldn't help but blush at Dimitri's stares. He looked at me as if I was a goddess. Then, I noticed something else weird: it wasn't only him. Most the boys were talking amongst themselves but Adrian was staring at me as if he was worshipping me.

Confusion flooded through me but I passed off his look to being drunk again. And I was right, he was. I sat down at the circular table and the waitress came up to us, asking for our orders. Everyone ordered something but I passed, no matter how much I wanted one of those donuts.

Lissa looked at me, confused. 'Why didn't you get anything, Rose.' I looked at the floor, hesitating to answer. I couldn't bare to say it in front of everyone. It was bad enough that I had left last time but ordering nothing because I had no money to buy it with was plain embarrassing.

'I- I...' I shoved my chair back, ready to leave but Lissa's arm kept me put.

'No, Rose. Just tell me what's wrong.' Everyone was staring now and I felt like I was about to cry so I just said it and said to myself that they would judge me later anyway.

'I... I have no money.' I mumbled so only Lissa could hear. Dimitri, who was on the other side of me, seemed to have heard to. He put his hand on my leg and rubbed sympathetically. I felt like he was leading me on but I knew he was just trying to be kind so I didn't mention anything.

'Oh, Rose. I'm paying for you! No arguments!' She used the voice she had earlier and I knew I had no choice but to follow orders. She dragged me out of my chair and towards the counter. I suddenly felt missing as Dimitri's hand left my leg but I ignored the voice at the back of my head telling me to go back to him. It's what I did everyday.

I ordered the chocolate donut I had seen and when it came to the table I ate it in three bites. Everyone stared at me shocked and I just smirked.

'That's quite some eating skills you got there, little donut.' He slurred.

'Little donut, really?' I raised both my eyebrows at him, unable to only do one, and he just stared at me. I wasn't sure if I was imagining it but I think I could see Dimitri clench his fists under the table. I desperately wanted to comfort him but doing anything would just draw attention. Luckily, no one had seen his hands on my leg as they had been in his lap the whole time we were here but mine were on the table and there was no way I could do anything subtly.

Everyone went on with their conversations and Dimiti leaning into me and whispered. 'After this, can you come over to mine. We need to go through some things.' I nodded and he reverted back to his normal position.

I suddenly remembered something, I kept on forgetting to ask. I got the phone Lissa had bought me out of the bag and tapped her shoulder. She turned around immediately, cutting off her conversation with Christian who immediately started talking to Eddie.

'Um...It's just that I don't know how to work it...' I was really embarrassed at not knowing how to use it but I had only had a really cheap brick phone when my parents were alive and that didn't work anymore. Now, I had no phone.

She showed me how to use it and I was glad. I got everyone's numbers from round the table, excluding Adrian who was apparently too cool for phones.

The whole meet up went well in the end and I felt surprisingly drawn to Eddie, he was really nice. We left one by one and me and Dimitri were last to go. He held out his hand to help me up, as the gentlemen he is, and I took it without hesitation loving the sensation of his hand in mine. We walked out the shop and to his car as I prepared myself for the speech to come.

That was how I ended up with the best group of friends a girl could wish for.

 

* * *

 

 

We ended up at Dimitri's apartment in minutes, not leaving me much time to think. He led me to his floor in silence, neither of us had the courage to speak. As soon as we entered the living room he sank down on the couch, put his arms on his knees, covering his face with his palms. 'What have I done, Roza.' The nickname sent shivers down my spine but the way he said it made me lose my, already small, smile.

'You've done nothing, Dimitri.' I calmed him, rubbing my palm on his back and went to sit next to him. I ended up laying with my head in his lap and his hand stroking my hair.

'I kissed you, Rose. You're only seventeen, that's seven years different. And now, you are going to be my foster child. I must be sick.' He looked on the verge of tears and I couldn't bear to see it on Dimitri. I brought myself up and brought him into a hug.

'I chose you. I wanted you. Nothing was against my will.' I murmured into his neck. I smelt his aftershave and felt a wave of bliss that was immediately pulled away from me as he took my shoulders and pushed me away.

'I took advantage of you, Rose. I can't do that again. We need to sort out these alcohol problems, I wouldn't be surprised if there was drug abuse in there too. You need to be honest with me. I'm going to gave to look after you and I can't feel what I feel and if this is all just because you have chemicals in your bloodstream, I couldn't do that.'

I sighed. He was right, I had been caught for drug offences and alcohol consumption underage but thats not why I wanted Dimitri. I wanted Dimitri because he was, well, Dimitri.

'Dimitri look at me.' I pulled his gaze to mine. 'I wanted you, sober. I also wanted you drunk but that's beside the point. It was me. You should feel no, I mean no, guilt. Do you understand?' I felt like a mother scolding a child but if this is how I had to get my point across I would do it without a seconds hesitation.

'How can you do this to me.' He murmured, not meaning for me to hear.

'Do what, Dimitri.' He looked shocked for a second.

'How can you only make me fall for you harder when I'm so desperately trying to get rid of these feelings. I don't want to harm you and I don't want to take advantage of you. I don't care if its illegal, I'm just worried about you.' His words made my heart race and I felt desperate to kiss him. He had the exact same look on his face.

'One more. Just one.' I leant in and he didn't resist, coming the rest of the way. He kissed me with such force I felt like I was going to fall but he had grasped my waist and brought me to him. I felt loved, something I hadn't felt in a long time. When he dragged himself away he looked so happy yet so sad.

That felt so right but was so wrong and we both knew it. We quickly sobered up. 'That was the last time we ever kiss, isn't it?' He nodded slowly and I felt like crying but we were going to be strong for each other, we could feel what we felt and if that was going to happen we both had to be strong.

I felt a single tear roll down my and he hastily wiped it away. 'Don't, Rose. I'm going to be with you...just not in the way you- we -want.' I nodded and felt a sob rise in my throat but withheld it and just hugged him, burying my head in my chest.

He stroked my hair, twirling around his fingers. It felt like, for just a moment, we could be a couple. I had to leave soon and everything that happened tonight would be forgotten and we would have to start afresh. 'I love you.' I whispered in his ear, he froze. I then got off him and walked as quickly as possible towards the door. Slamming it behind me, I head towards what I loosely called home.

** DIMITRI **

She left without another word before I could even say I love you too. I felt the tears that were about to flow in rivers but I ignored them and followed her out. I stayed in the shadows, not wanting her to see me, as she head back to her home. I scolded myself as I looked at how beautiful reminding myself that I was soon going to be her parent. No matter how much I hated the idea, she needed help. If I was the one to do that then I would, for her sake- it didn't matter if I loved her.

When she arrived, I found the window where my old friend Ivan used to spy on me. He used to try to tempt me out of my room so I would come to his house and when we were old enough I did. Well, I ended up buying an apartment with him if that counts.

We were just about to move when he- left. In his death he left me the apartment that I know lived in. That was my memorial for him. He loved the place and would never stop talking about it, saying its where BFF's lived and that he would fix every bit of it. Even in its destroyed state, I began to love it too and when he died, I went through with the buy and cherished it for his sake.

It was never messy, it was always clean. I had even put a few things of Ivan in, including his obnoxious hair brush that he ran through his hair constantly.

Trying to push the memories away, I concentrated on Roza. What was she doing? She rummaged through her drawers and brought out a tin. Inside was something I didn't recognise until she brought out a lighter. I was right- she was taking drugs.

I panicked, I had to come up with a plan- now.

 

* * *

 

 

I felt like I was on the clouds again. I felt free again. The paranoia and fear of what was about to come had dissipated and left me drowning in emotions in my room. I felt as if nothing mattered. Why didn't I just leave now? I didn't want to stay in that hell-hole so what was stopping me from leaving?

Dimitri.

It was the sad, painful truth. I had fallen too hard this time. Sure, I had boyfriends in the past but this- this was new. This was blissful and wonderful yet it hurt more than anything. It felt the same as the grief I felt as the last of my family died. My mind was dragged to thoughts of Dimitri dying and my sudden good mood dropped to rock bottom. Nothing helped this feeling.

I imagined him hitting rocks in the sea and blood spilling from his head and the life dying from his eyes. Then him being pushed from skyscrapers and his bloody body hitting the ground, crippling him until his last breath took him away.

New scenarios came seconds after the last and the tears went from droplets to tsunamis. The pain was agonising and it was all in my own mind. It wasn't real but no matter how many times I said it, I didn't believe it. It was all too real.

Something was wrong with what I took. This didn't normally happen. I trusted people I never should have trusted. I took things I never should have took. My life was rapidly going downhill and I had no part in being able to stop it.

I felt the bile in my throat and the familiar feeling of sickness. My stomach churned and I ran for the bathroom without clearing my room. The empty vodka bottles and the small packet of what I had just taken lay in an open box as I let myself throw up all I had eaten. Every wretch, I felt worse.

My head hurt but my stomach calmed as I leant my head over the toilet waiting for the headache to pass. To my misfortune, it didn't. My head pounded and I had a bad feeling in my stomach. That's when I heard the only thing that would make today worse. The heavy footsteps pounding around my room, the familiar sound of a snoop. Crap! If another kid was in here and saw this my life would be ruined. I ran out, ignoring my bodies pleas to lie back down.

I entered the room and stopped in my tracks- Dimitri. He had collected each and every bottle. Each and every drug. Everything I felt I had relied on for the past months. He crossed his arms and faced me with a far off look in his eyes.

'You had a problem, Roza.' He took a step towards me. 'But this...' He seemed lost for words but more noticeably angry. He took another step closer. I felt desperate to move back but he struck fear into me. 'This is a death sentence. This is addiction. Look at yourself!' He raised his voice and I went to look in the small mirror in my room.

I was a mess. My eyes were red, not only from crying, and my hair was clinging to my cheeks. My eyes were also bloodshot and when Dimitri turned the light on, I flinched in pain. Seeing I was unable to adjust to the light, Dimitri turned them off again. Now, the only light in the room came from the moonlight shining lightly through the small window.

I looked at Dimitri's silhouette and forgot everything. He was so beautiful. I was so out of it that I couldn't concentrate on anything but him. My mind did nothing but my body ran to Dimitri and I clutched to him as if he was my lifeline. 'I love you too.' He said and I looked up at him with teary eyes. 'You never let me say it, Roza. However bad this situation is, I will always love you. Don't forget that.' I smiled, bleary eyes and crushed him against me again. I felt desperate for his lips but knew I wasn't allowed near them.

He held me to his chest as I cried. It was worst than ever and it only accentuated the headache that was hammering against my skull. 'Thank you.' I breathed.

'For what?' He asked, raising an eyebrow.

'For everything. For you. For what you just said. For giving me a future. For letting me forget my past. For love.' It was true for both of us. We were both in agony as we held ourselves at a distance. Chained away from each other by the law, by the norms of society. Everything of our relationship was forbidden and looked upon by others with disgust. But, I didn't care. I didn't want to care.

Love has such funny ways, such painful ways. I only had a last a year, we only had to last a year. Once it had passed we were free. Suddenly, society would accept us. It only shows how stupid it was. We could hold off our love until then but there was no denying our love. We would love from a distance but nonetheless love.

I had a problem, an addiction but Dimitri would help me. We would get through it together. Living together, however painful, was a necessity to me. I had never met a man as kind as him. I had friends now, some of which are boys, and I wouldn't doubt for a second that they are kind but to help a torn girl who is alone in her own world is the kindest thing a person can do, man or woman.

It wasn't just love that held us together, it was trust and kindness. It was the foundations of the relationship that we relied on. I felt like nothing could break my trust with him and as he held me on my bed, I knew that I was safe with him. No matter the situation, he would be there for me.

'I love you.' He murmured into my hair.

'I love you too.'

 

* * *

 

 

The week passed quickly and as it went on, I believed more and more that this was wrong. It was the right decision for any objective onlooker but I felt betrayed. I was forced into the man, whom I love's, arms only to be told it was wrong. I felt violated yet I knew I had no choice in the matter.

The adoption process passed quicker than expected and only a week later, since I had seen Dimitri, they were taking my belongings to his apartment. He had cleared the small gym and put in a simple bed and dresser. Luckily, I had few belongings and I would easily fit in the large-cupboard sized room.

Dimitri had come to pick me up in the morning and we drove over to his apartment with my few belongings. We hauled everything I had to the top floor. He made is seem effortless as I tripped, stumbled and overall, embarrassing myself in front of him.

He laughed at me but was helpful in bringing as much up as he could, alone, leaving me with only a few small bags. I was glad for the help but felt useless as I followed him up to the final floor. I opened the door for him as he balanced boxes in his hands. He placed them gracefully on the floor, something I didn't think was possible for a man of his height, as soon as we entered the cluttered living room. I had never seen the place in such a mess but it was mostly boxes of my stuff and a few extra to go around.

I scanned the room and found boxes labelled with each of his friends names, all that were girls. I looked at him, failing to raise an eyebrow at him, and gave him a questioning look. 'They all wanted to give you a few things. They knew you didn't have many personal items so they decided to give you a few late birthday gifts.' I smiled gratefully and started to un-tape the boxes, peering inside each one.

Every box put an even larger smile on my face. I went through both Mia and Jill's which contains piles of clothes. I went to Lissa's last and felt like I was going to faint when I opened it. Inside was, like the others, were piles of clothes but what stood out was a single bag with 'Pandora' written on it. I dug my hand in, desperate to see what was inside and found a small necklace. On it she had 'BFF' carved on it. A tear of joy rolled down my cheek and I pulled out my phone, in attempts to thank them but I still struggled with texting so I gave it to Dimitri and asked him to do it for me.

He wrote exactly what I told him too and laughed as I rambled thank you, over and over again. Each message was more stupid than the last when it came to a point that he plainly refused to write what I told him to when I asked his to tell Lissa thank you a hundred times and no less. He told me to do and I got to fifty before my fingers started to ache. He laughed as I pressed send but made no comment.

'I think I've thanked them enough, I think it's time to thank you for letting me live here.' I said as I went to wrap my arms around his neck. I felt so desperate to just touch his lips but decided it was for the best when I buried my head in his chest, relishing in his warmth. He placed his palm of the back of my head, tangling his fingers in my hair. Not matter how much we going to miss 'us', we had to ignore it because this was our lives now and at least we weren't apart, I couldn't imagine a life without him.

'I thank you more than I can ever express.' He paused before clasping my chin and forcing me to look him in the eye.

'Don't thank me. I'm just grateful I'm not alone in this place that most describe as a hellhole.' He laughed silently and I placed my palm on his cheek, easing his pain: I could see it in his eyes.

'Why don't you think it's a hellhole?' I asked, innocently.

'That's a story for another day and another time.' He whispered, mysteriously, as he let me go. 'Let's try and get as much of this unpacked as we can.' He immediately changed the subject and I knew I had brought up a horrible memory and I didn't want to pry- yet. We got to work, unpacking the boxes. The silence in the room was comfortable until I managed to ruin it- as always.

'I want you to tell me.' I demanded, stubbornly. Dimitri didn't say a word in reply only making me more determined. 'Tell me.' I hissed. I wasn't sure what took over me but I needed to know. I ignored the pain in Dimitri's eyes and sized him up. Unfortunately, sizing up a 6'7 man is hard to do when your exactly a foot smaller. He glared down at me but resigned quickly, knowing I wouldn't give up, even if it was a petty argument.

'Ivan wanted this place.' He murmured but I heard it loud and clear. I couldn't find the words to respond and ended up saying a measly 'oh.'

'I'm going to be in my room, Roza. I will see you later.' With that he left me on my own to realise my mistake.

Just another stupid mistake.

 

* * *

 

 

As I went to bed, it seemed to be getting clearer that I relied on alcohol. The headaches and sweating were getting to me, under my skin. My anxiety heightened and my mood-swings more prominent.

As soon as my back hit the small metal frame of the bed, I tossed and turned- inevitably not going to get any sleep. And even though the mattress was much more comfortable that the one at my old house, it didn't seem to calm my everlasting nerves.

There was something bugging me- I knew what it was but I wanted to deny it wholeheartedly. I was a burden, that was it. No matter how much I wanted to be with Dimitri, I couldn't, leaving me a burden on both our shoulders.

He took pity on me and I knew he would soon regret it. I had left a trail of mistakes, repeated over and over, behind me. My parents, they had always kept me from the edge and when they left, it was like I had been thrown over the edge, hanging on a single thread. 

Once again, I had been saved, revived- by him. I didn't care that it was wrong, that it was forbidden. That was how I knew I loved him, through everything, I never wanted to leave his side. I changed for him, tried to conceal myself, hiding the monsters that hid in my heart. It hurt. 

I felt so obliged to show him I was good to just fall in deeper into a deep hole of self-pity. That's all it was, pity. So many children lost their parents and they went on, whilst I...my whole life stopped. It was as if the clock had stopped and time stood still and from then on, the clock had never turned it's hands again. I was stuck in a vicious cycle that I couldn't escape. The clock just kept rolling back to the start.

Through all of it, I rewarded myself with his love when I deserved no love. I repeated it in my head. Loved, loved, loved. Past tense? Had I really convinced myself that a man who loved me could fall out of it so quickly? I was blinded and alone- I needed help, help I wouldn't take.

My pounding headache dragged me from my own bed and towards the kitchen, maybe to get a glass of water? At the time, I didn't even know- I just needed to clear my head.

I stumbled ungracefully towards the kitchen, balancing my body against the counter- my head in my hands. I felt the rush of vertigo every time I lifted my head, maybe this was the wrong decision.

The counter was cold to the touch but I welcome the unfamiliar sensation on my skin. It burned my numbed skin almost blocking the demons in my mind. I focused on it, letting it dissipate the rest of my aching body. 

I held my head up once again, inviting the vertigo in and grasped for some painkillers in the cupboard, anything to dull the pain. I grasped for the bottle, the balls of my feet withstanding the weight of my small frame.

The bottle finally fell into my hands and I clumsily caught it between my forearm and my bicep. Once my sense had returned to their usual state, I flipped open the lid and inside seemed to be at least fifty pills, maybe more. I was surprised but immediately took five in my hand and threw them down my throat. I choked slightly but impatiently swallowed until the taste left my mouth.

Within seconds, I felt the familiar feeling of a high. It wasn't like most highs but it was nonetheless something to take it all away. The pain in my head, my chest...my mind. It numbed my sense to the point of almost blissfulness. 

Curiously, I peered into Dimitri's door, peering through the small gap where it hadn't quite been shut yet. _He doesn't love you_ , my own mind spat at me. I was jolted at the new voice- recognisable yet somewhat distant. He hates you, it spat again. I shook my head. _Get out!_ I shouted silently. 

Dimitri, inside his room, didn't seem to notice my inner turmoil- nor was he going to. _He's not a psychic!_ My brain taunted. I reached for the bottle of pills, looking longingly at them. Another few couldn't hurt, or maybe I hoped they would. 

I shook another five into my hand, ready to swallow them in an instant. I looked up to the door and was calmed by Dimitri's kind face- but it didn't help. I faced the pills once again.

I'm sorry Dimitri.

I swallowed the pills.

And more.

And more.

But then...I felt it. The blackness that consumes you. The blissfulness of the light that never shone. Or if it did, it shone black. It looms down on you. The presence of death creates on of two emotions, guilt and regret. I was sorry for leaving but there was still that mind in my head saying, you should be glad you're not a burden anymore.

It spoke patronisingly, tauntingly as the black spots in my vision became lines until my whole vision was blocked. I let out one last regretful cry before letting it consume me whole.

Death was what I deserved.

 

* * *

 

I woke up as the annoying buzz died down. The sound of what I could only assume was a heart-rate machine, beeped every few seconds...too slowly. I already knew where I was but I wanted to forget it. I ignored the passing doctors and looked to the other side of the private room and towards the window.

Sleeping by the window was Dimitri. He was far too big for the chair and it was funny to see him shuffle his six-foot frame in a child's chair. Unsure of whether to wake him up, I just lay against the soft pillow and let myself fall asleep again but it wasn't coming easily.

The small jabbing at my stomach I had felt earlier increased to an agonising crushing of my gut and I let out a strangled cry for help. I pleaded and Dimitri immediately jumped out of the chair and stepped over to me, panic flooding his eyes. 'Are you alright!' He shouted, quietly, careful not to alert the busy doctors if it was not serious. 'M-my stomach, it burns.' I cried out, the words jumbling on my tongue and coming out as slurs but Dimitri understood and rushed over to a small table, covered in bottles upon bottles of medical supplies and I wondered whether they were all for me.

'They said these would help.' He showed me a few tablets in his hands and I opened my mouth as an invitation for him to pour them in. He didn't hesitate and the pain dulled almost instantly but still burned in the back of mu head. It was ignorable but showed me one more of my stupid mistakes- lethal mistakes.

All was silent for a while until Dimitri sank down onto the edge of the bed. I turned to face him, instead of the dull white lights on the ceiling. It hurt but was worth it as the light became calmer, as did my mind. 'Why?' Dimitri asked, sounding hurt. I shook my head, unable to describe just how I felt that night- I wasn't even sure if I knew myself.

He looked me, water pooled in his eyes- the hurt accentuated by the glistening tears. 'You could have left me. I can't let another person leave me, Roza. You should know that more than anyone.' He let one small tear roll down but wiped it before I could truly see it.

The burden of my life only seemed heavier as I saw what I had done to him. I couldn't understand why he needed me. He was so much better off without me yet he wanted me to be there with him. I couldn't comprehend why he still needed me, why he loved me. Although I should have known his love was just as strong as my own.

We stared at each other, never saying a word until a petite nurse walked in, her red curls bouncing off her shoulders. He small smile instantly fell when she saw me. She was blunt with her diagnosis but I was glad to hear that none of the damage was permanent, though I would have to stay in bed for the next few weeks. For once, I didn't mind the inactivity if it meant I could get my mentality in order.

She told me that my immune system had fought off cancer once before and it was the only reason that it hadn't returned once again but I would have to be careful from now on, it was all too close. I had swallowed over 40 pills and my immune system failed with the new influx, everything seemed to spiral and they barely kept me from the grasp of death. I wasn't at all surprised until she gave me the card for a therapist. Dimitri looked glad but I was pissed. I didn't need a therapist! I could do it myself. I couldn't... but that information passed by me like a gust of cold air.

I took it and ripped it in half as soon as the nurse left and Dimitri laughed under his breath, much to my confusion, earning a harsh glare- was Dimitri not angry? Maybe he was just glad I was alive...that had to be it. 'I knew you would do that.' He muttered, earning an even harsher glare.

'Come on, let's just get home. We're allowed to leave.' He sighed and took my hand, helping me up. Not mentioning anything from only a few minutes ago. We were both in such denial. Neither of us could do this but we would do anything for each other...that was the only reason either of us was alive.

 

* * *

 

 

Recovery was not a short process and it meant I was bedridden- again. Dimitri stayed by my side, silently, for so long but work was in the way. His bartending job was hardly enough pay, leaving it would leave us with nothing: that was nothing new.

Dimitri had stayed quiet, we never talked of what happened or talked at all. I felt like a naughty five-year-old getting a scolding, maybe that was what I deserved. Dimitri still smiled, though it never reached his eyes, and talked with his friends but never was I involved and never did it feel like he was enjoying himself. Dimitri was always stoic but that was just his walls, I had broken those; but, I had betrayed him and now those walls were back up and this time they were fortified.

I only saw it in his eyes, they were pooled with hurt and never did they shine as they did when he used to look at me. Each glance seems to send one more wave of pain onto him. Although, I can only blame myself. I tried was the one that did it, not him. He didn't believe that. He blamed himself and through those walls, however fortified, I saw the cracks.

He pushed his anger on to me but I claimed it as my own. I wanted the pain. I deserved what I got.

Dimitri didn't understand that. Didn't understand the self-loathing that pooled within me, threatening to seep through the cracks in my own self-esteem. It came with the package, the one that strained his arms. The one that he didn't want to carry anymore. He had cleared the cupboard, leaving them devoid of medication. However much I wanted to, there was nothing. He'd gone to the trouble to hide all things sharp. Knives were under lock and key along with everything down to sharpened pencils. He was being wary, he didn't want to leave me to wallow in my own sorrow. But, that's exactly what he had done. Although he could not avoid it, I had never felt so alone- lying in bed with only the ceiling as a friend. My thoughts as my enemies.

Minutes later, the lock clicked and in came the heavy footsteps only someone as tall as Dimitri could make.

'Dimitri?' I called out, my voice barely a whisper.

'Yes?' He replied, devoid of emotion. All conversation stopped there, neither one of us were ready for what was inevitably going to come so for now, we would delay it until it could be delayed no more.

I picked myself up from the stable lying position I was in to shakily sit against the wooden headboard of the bed. 'Dimitri.' I called out once again. Although, much like before, it came out no louder than a whisper- loud enough to hear through the silence of the hollow apartment.

'Yes?' He replied, mimicking the conversation -unintentionally- that we had only seconds before.

'Could I have some water.' As I spoke more, my voice became only more raspy, proving the need for water. He easily complied and left the kitchen to fill a glass. Although my voice seemed to be losing it's pride, the need for water was more for attention than anything. I may not have been ready but that did not dull my everlasting need to be by his side.

He came with a glass water less than two minutes later, handing it to me careful. My fragile hands hardly took the weight so he brought it to my lips himself, pouring the soothing water into my mouth. I drank it gladly and didn't complain as his face was only inches from mine, I enjoyed it.

'Roza.' He breathed as the water was stolen from my lips. Before he had even started, I knew what was to come. I didn't want this.

'I'm sorry.' Now, that was not what I expected. The zen life lessons came along with Dimitri and for a man of his pride, no matter the modesty, he rarely apologised for something he did not cause.

'No, Dimitri. Never apologise. Through the short while we have known each other, you have done nothing but good for me! You know that! What I did...it was my fault. Never, I mean never, blame yourself.' I lay myself back down, already exhausted. Dimitri just looked ashamed, the guilt still framing his face. To compensate, I brought a fragile hand to his cheek, caressing it gently. He leaned into my touch but stood up soon after, breaking the moment. 'Roza.' He breathed, missing out the words we both knew he was about to say: we can't.

'I know.' I murmured, still missing his touch. We lay in a peaceful silence, slowly forgiving each other for everything. And although we didn't know, we were gradually coming closer and closer until Dimitri had his arm wrapped around my waist as he sat comfortably next to me on the small bed.

'I missed you.' I whispered, burying my head into his shoulder. And although I could hardly hear it, I was sure I heard a 'me too'.

We stared blankly at the wall for hours after that, sneaking glances at each other- reveling in one another. Our love was toxic, it was strong, we had a faith in each other that one could normally only have in God himself, not that I was strongly religious.

I began to notice the small things. Dimitri's delicate fingers stroking my hair as I drew swirls and circles on his stomach where his t-shirt had ridden up: revealing his subtly toned abs.

It made me forget, it let me forget the bad, the good. I was focused on only Dimitri and that was enough to put a smile on my face. I could pretend it wasn't forbidden, wrong. For now, it was right. It was right to me.

 

* * *

 

 

'Dimitri!' I called out when the buzzer rang, 'someone's at the door!' I heard a quiet sigh before trudging footsteps towards the apartment's door. It had been a week since Dimitri and I had been on good terms and we both had decided that a week in private would be best. None of our friends had anything of 'the attempt' I had and it was for the best. Dimitri and I could have our secrets.

'Rose! Can you answer it!' Dimitri called out, confusing me.

'Aren't you at the door?' I called back, grudgingly peeling myself off the bed.

'My hands are full right now.' Silence fell afterwards and I clambered to the door and opened it without a second thought.

'Hi.' I whispered nervously as they stared at me in complete shock. 'Hello!' I said again, waving my hand in front of my faces.

'Rose.' Lissa sounded like she was almost giving me a warning causing me to look at myself. S***. I was only wearing a bra and Dimitri's sweatpants; this did not look good.

'Um...just go inside.' I gasped, flustered before rushing to the bedroom to get changed, ignoring the stares and left Dimitri to answer questions.

Panicked, I rummaged through the wardrobe to find something suitable. How could I have been so stupid? I was still unsure. It was warm and I had taken my top off and the excuse for wearing Dimitri's sweatpants...they were comfortable. I sighed and found myself a pair of jeans and a loose top.

When I entered the room again, I could feel the tension. Dimitri was at the kettle, his hair over his face. Was...he...blushing? I was shocked. It was obvious that he had been interrogated, I just hoped I didn't get the same treatment.

I shook it off and plastered a smile on my face. 'Hiya!' They all turned to look at me, eyes filled with curiosity and something that was closely resembling fear. I sighed and fell down onto the sofa. 'It's not what you think it is?' I murmured, using my lying skills- which definitely needed some work.

Lissa's head shot up, 'NOT WHAT I THINK IT IS!' I flinched suddenly at her raised voice. She noticed my fear but didn't back down. She immediately stood from her place on the sofa and dragged me towards the bedroom.

'Rose, you may like him but you're still a minor! I was just...fantasizing!' She flung her hands in the air to emphasise her point. 'Seven years is a lot, Rose. I know that you have...feelings for him...but you're not supposed to act upon them!' I simply looked at the ground, ashamed. Everything she said was true and it knocked a sense of reality into me. It was still so long until I turned eighteen and even then, going out with my formerly legal guardian- controversial to say the least.

'Nothing is going on, Lissa.' I spat, relaying the slight truth. It was a white lie, I guess. Dimitri and I weren't actively together but we sure as hell cared about each other. We had proven that by the lack of time we had been together...or maybe that was the problem. Dimitri and I hardly knew each other, at least in relationship terms.

Then again, had he not only seen the bad of me. He rarely saw my smile, my so-called 'sass' and clever comebacks. All he had seen was a sobbing mess of a teenager with a bottle of vodka to drown her sorrows.

They seemed to cancel each other out, I couldn't help but feel conflicted. How could I have an opinion on such a balanced argument- but it wasn't. It was so obvious that it was wrong, that no one accepted it. No matter how taboo our relationship was without the age-difference, that was simply all that mattered. Maybe even more so than the guardianship. I guess one means the other, without my age, he couldn't be my guardian at all. I felt like a failure but how was I? I couldn't blame myself for my age, that was senseless.

Lissa looked down on me as if I had somehow lessened in her eyes. The girl that was somewhat forced upon me, that kind, loving girl...she was retreating. She feared me, she feared the unknown. She feared the girl that defined taboo. And she had every right to, she was brought up that way.

I let my eyelids fall, not bothering to peer through my lashes to even glimpse her facial expression. Maybe it was one of disbelief? Maybe on of disapproval? Either way, I didn't want to see it. What I couldn't know was that it was pity. She pitied me because she knew how far I had fallen for Dimitri. She believed this was one-sided. They all did.

Dimitri was so stoic, so incapable of showing his emotions even to his friends that they couldn't notice his lip quirk when he caught sight of me. They didn't notice the light blush that raged on his cheeks like a fire in my eyes but in theirs was simply a rosy pink indicating that the room was just that slightly too warm.

They couldn't see it at all, they were naïve, and as I stormed back to the living room- I understood.

They would never accept this.

The hardly knew me.

I was a stranger to them.

When I entered the room, Dimitri stared at me- fearing the worst. He saw the dread in my eyes. I could see by the way Lissa sauntered in that she didn't notice, nor did she think she did anything wrong. She didn't realise that her face said it all. She didn't realise that my emotional state wasn't stable. In fact, it was more than unstable. My emotions had hit rock bottom.

'Can everyone leave. I need to do something urgent.' I wanted to sound worried, trick them into believing that something had come up but all that came out was a monotone drone, scaring them into leaving. Apologising to Dimitri who didn't spare them a second glance as he analysed me.

'Rose, don't.' He warned, never finishing the sentence for he knew I understood him straight away.

'I know. I won't.' I nodded dejectedly and numbly took to the bedroom, each step feeling more painful than the last. I ignored the following footsteps from behind me. I knew, in my current state, that he wouldn't leave me alone. And although it was for lack of trust, there was something comforting about him being there.

 

* * *

 

 

'Rose, I have to go!' Dimitri called out from the lounge as I lay in bed scrolling through my phone which was beginning to not be such a chore.

'Okay, I'll see you later.' I spoke back, not caring if it was loud enough to here. It was just possible that I was in a bit of a mood. Dimitri had just picked up a job as self-defense class trainer due to his height and build, the Russian accent helped along the way and now had to leave me at home alone more than the majority of the time.

It wasn't as if I didn't like independence but at that time, independence really wasn't what would be good for me. And then there was the real reason I was annoyed, in place of Dimitri, he asked his friends to babysit me.

It was a Saturday so neither Jill nor Mia had school and Lissa was joining them on the journey, much to my pleas against it. Lissa and I were both on broken glass but it seemed Lissa didn't know that each time she spoke, she was just stepping on another shard of glass.

She was oblivious. Oblivious to everything. There was no, 'I'm sorry, Rose' or even 'what did I do wrong?', she simply acted as if everything was okay. Maybe it was, maybe I was just being sensitive. Lissa really didn't say anything that bad. Yet, somehow, it had dug deep into me and I was holding a grudge against my newest friend and...I wasn't really sure why. Was it her anger that Dimitri and I were close? Was it the look she had given me afterwards? Was it just...everything?

I couldn't decide nor did I want to, I simply felt content in forgetting her existence which didn't seem like it would hold up today as the doorbell rang and I was forced out of the comfort of my bed and pulled on a hoodie to cover my slim fitting pyjamas which didn't seem to protect any part of my skin from the cold.

I finally reached the couch and opened the door, still in slight of a groggy daze, and mumbled hello to the other girls. I gestured for them to come inside and immediately stumbled to the coffee machine to make myself a coffee to get through the day. Whilst that was brewing, I reached up into the cupboard above me and took out the chocolate doughnut box and, hiding it from the others, I stuffed three in my mouth. Delicious, chocolate doughnuts would never stop being delicious.

'So...what are we going to do today?' I asked, filling the abundance of silence surrounding us after I had finished my doughnut...s. Jill and Mia shrugged and looked to Lissa who seemed to have her game face on. Although, I stayed looking at the other two, trying to pretend Lissa wasn't there.

'Rose, didn't you say you didn't go to school? Doesn't every girl have to go to school, I mean, it is the law...' She rambled on whilst I zoned in and out until she finished her point. 'We should look at schools you could go to.' I flung my head around to her, a glare set in place on my face.

'I'd rather not, Lissa.' I mumbled, practically growling into my now finished cup of coffee. I went to sit on the sofa, opposite the others who were scattered around on chairs.

'But it will be fun!' Lissa pouted, not actually persuading me in the slightest but when both Jill and Mia said it would be a good idea, I agreed reluctantly and got Dimitri's laptop from his room and typed in his password. 'Rose123'. Original.

Lissa gaped at me. 'You know the password to Dimitri's laptop?! He doesn't tell a soul that password!' I snorted and continued to get up an internet browser. Of course, he wouldn't tell anyone, it was my name- we were trying to keep suspicions on the low and that wasn't exactly something that would help us.

I shrugged, sitting in silence as I brought up the search engine and looked over to others; I was unsure of what to type in. I had never actively tried to get into a school; I often did the exact opposite. I was renown in multiple schools for trying to get out of them, even back when my parents were still alive.

'Just type in schools local to this area.' Lissa smiled and continued a mundane conversation with the other two whilst I looked through a few searches for something that either: wasn't one of my old schools, looked nice or didn't require a great record to get in.

I had always been a trouble maker and moving into foster care had only made that worse.

I finally found a school, not within walkable distance but I was sure it was within a bus length journey. 'St Vladimir's.' Despite the posh name, it seemed to let in apparently 'troubled' kids and it seemed perfect for me, at least in the others' opinions.

I had differing ideas. I wanted to stay at home rather than be sent off to some fancy school for troubled kids. It felt like they would be sending me to rehab, not my exact notion of fun. I also wanted to stay with Dimitri and although he had work and this school was a boarding school, I knew we would grow distant.

I was a teenage girl, desperate for attention and Dimitri would give that to me. Not only for my safety but my own greedy cravings...I guess they were his too. We were dancing on broken glass and one moment we were fine whilst the next we would be torn apart.

The girls started to squeal with excitement, crowding around the laptop and motioning to parts of the screen to click on.

'You will tell Dimitri, right?' Jill asked, smiling at me with wide, innocent eyes. I nodded, unable to spit a lie out, hoping they would believe me. There was no doubt that something inside of me wanted to say yes, I would tell him and all would go back to normal- as much as it could anyway- but I couldn't. I was greedy and I gave into that greed for lack of better knowledge.

My parents had given me everything in abundance whilst foster care barely gave me enough to live off. My life was so contradicting and I couldn't seem to grasp at the stability that others had.

I felt alone despite the others surrounding me, caring for me. I felt alone. I believed I was alone. I believed no one cared for me.

So much, that I was alone.

 

* * *

 

 

I hummed to myself as I stirred the milk into the coffee. Dimitri chuckled from behind me at how off-key I was but I ignored him and continued stirring unnecessarily as I hummed along to an unfamiliar tune.

'Rose, cut it out, I'm trying to finish this.' Well, I already knew that Dimitri had been trying to get this email done for the last hour to send to the social worker on my progress out of social care.

It was crucial that he worded it right or it could cause me to be taken back to a public home. I shuddered at the thought but kept on humming, finally taking the spoon out of the coffee and flinging it into the sink.

'I know Dimitri but I like singing.' I joked, humming obnoxiously loud. He groaned and leant his head back onto the backrest of the sofa.

'Rose, just a few more minutes.' He pleaded and looked back at the computer, stressed. 'This is more for you than me.' I frowned and nodded, my happiness fading as I fell onto the sofa beside him. Platonically, I rested my head on his shoulder and watched as his fingers grazed across the keys and edited the large amount he had already written.

I nestled further into his shoulder, giving a relaxed sigh, as I brought the mug to my mouth, nearly scolding myself with the hot coffee. I was still thinking about schools and whether to tell Dimitri, for now, I had decided against it but that hadn't stopped me from feeling terrible about keeping things from him.

Without knowing, the stress had already caused me to shake lightly. 'Rose?' Dimitri asked, panic evident in his voice. 'Rose?' He repeated; I shook harder.

I was snapped out as the coffee landed on my lap, scolding my thighs. I bit down a scream and leant forward, desperately padding at the area, hoping that- by some miracle- would help. Dimitri, on the other hand, was already prepared and put a cool tea cloth over my lap, soothing the still-becoming-apparent burns.

'Rose, what was that?' Dimitri calmly asked, still dabbing at where my skin had tinted red under my pyjama shorts. 'This was the withdrawal symptoms again, wasn't it?' Dimitri was oblivious to the real problem so I went along with it. I nodded slowly, my lying skills still failing at their simple task.

'Rose, you won't drink whilst I'm gone, right?' He was now in front of me, his legs bent to bring him down to eye level. 'Right?' He repeated as a heavy silence hung in the room. I nodded once again, this time I was telling the truth. I didn't want to drink, well, somewhere in my heart there was a wanting to drink but for now, I was under control- I didn't want to repeat the past.

'Rose, I have to go to work...but I don't want to leave you like this.' I shook my head profusely.

'Go, Dimitri. We need the money, you need the money.' I whispered and leant back, concentrating on the sting of the bones and the...satisfaction of it all. Subconsciously, it really was a repeat of what had already happened but I didn't care at the moment, I wanted the punishment for holding secrets and this would do perfectly.

Five minutes later, Dimitri had left and I was in the apartment alone with only my thoughts. Bad thoughts. I almost longed to go to the bar again, almost. I had restraint, though hardly.

This was a bad idea, I concluded. Dimitri hadn't left me alone before this and I had already realised just why he had done that. Alone, I was venerable. I was weak and I was fragile. I clutched my fists, determined, and scoured the apartment for some money before finding a five-dollar bill tucked under a mug on the kitchen counter. Dimitri must have left it there for me.

Smiling, I took a deep breath and grabbed what I needed before heading out. The apartment wasn't exactly near town but there was still a coffee shop down the street that was surprisingly empty when I entered.

The aroma of coffee immediately calmed me and I ordered a tea, already having a buzz from the coffee earlier, and sat alone in a diner-like booth near the back of the shop. Paintings lined the walls, all beautiful and unique, I admired them from afar, never daring to look at the price tags.

Dimitri, even with two jobs, could only fund us enough to get by and it seemed that me being home all day wasn't helping. I sighed, stuck in a cycle of my own bad thoughts again. I groaned, I hated this, I hated myself. Before I had a release but now I was stuck to pity and tears.

I looked down into the steaming tea, contemplating. I wanted my old life. I wanted my parents back. I wanted that famous Rose Hathaway attitude back. After they died, that all dispersed and I was left a dead version of my former self.

I felt a tear on my cheek but I immediately wiped it away to find no more had fallen. I looked around warily to see the coffee shop almost empty apart from the barista, who seemed to be flirting with some unaware man who was typing away on his laptop.

Wait, was that Adrian?

I immediately buried my face behind my hair but he must have felt my gaze. 'Rose!' He called out. I almost felt like simply walking out of the shop there and then but I knew that wasn't an option. But I had to escape, fast.

'Hi, Adrian.' I grinned, fake and cheap. I could smell his overly priced cologne from across the table as he sat opposite me, the couch sinking under his weight. 'I'm sorry this might have to be short... I have to meet Dimitri.' I lied, coming out smoothly and calmly- it seemed in emergencies that my brain didn't want to fail me.

'Oh, ok.' He looked disappointed, casting his gaze to the table. He could have just seen through me... especially with that gaze. 'I just wanted...to ask you something.' I gulped down my drink, my hands slightly trembling.

'Do you want to go out with me?'

 

* * *

 

 

I just said yes, after a bit of persuading, I said yes. I hated it. I didn't want Adrian. He was arrogant, obnoxious and Dimitri's cousin! It didn't seem to add up in my head; never did I think that Adrian would ask me out, nor did I think he would approach me at all.

Oh God, I found myself at the door of the apartment, opening it with shaking hands. When I stepped inside, I was met by silence. I dreaded that silence.

I had told Dimitri I wouldn't drink whilst he was gone after he had asked me out of the blue about withdrawal symptoms, to which I seemed to be having many. I glanced at my hands, shaking. My body, shaking. My mind, blurred. The bottle, locked in a cupboard- to which I have the key.

Dimitri, after I had been on a detox for a while, trusted me with the key to show restraint from the drink. Now didn't seem like the time to care. I was desperate, this was all that could solve my problems.

I grabbed for the key that I had left in the drawer of my bedside cabinet and ran frantically to the kitchen, hardly managing to push the key into the lock with the amount of juddering my hands were doing.

Inside was a single bottle of wine, red yet weak. Dimitri still mustn't have trusted me fully.

I grabbed it and found it already open, had Dimitri drunk this before me? I was nonetheless glad and not even thinking of getting a glass, I chugged the first part down.

Immediately, I felt that familiar sensation that reached inside of me and pulled a smile on my face. I already felt like a was floating, maybe that was because of the second chug, or the third. Soon, I was half way through the bottle and barely five minutes had passed.

Then it kicked in. It should be common knowledge that alcohol was a depressant because after half an hour, I was back to where I began but now, I was a danger to myself. My thoughts were controlled by instinct and it seemed that my only instinct was...to die.

I wanted to die. For just a second, I wanted to die again. It was a glimpse that seemed to dissipate after a few seconds but I didn't forget that. I didn't forget those few seconds in which I had just wished to die.

I didn't think I had fallen so far.

Adrian, I blame Adrian, another chug. It was his fault, another. I should have just said no, it's my fault, two chugs. Another few minutes passed and the bottle was empty and it was time for Dimitri to come home.

I panicked.

I stuck the empty bottle back in the cabinet, ready to be found at a later date, and ran into the bathroom, locking the door. It seemed fear conquered my irrational senses, for a while. When I heard the front door creak open, I felt a tear run down my face. What had made me so afraid? That was an unknown.

The alcohol was changing the frequency of my emotions, switching them from low to high as if there were only two settings. Almost immediately, the heavy footsteps made their way to the bathroom. My heart was thumping loud and my sobs seem to have become aloud.

'Rose?' I heard a smooth Russian accent call through the door. 'Rose, please unlock the door.' He murmured, rattling the door handle.

'No.' I slurred and then it dawned on me, that was the worst thing I could have done in that situation, he knew. He knew I had drunk.

'Rose.' This was a command now, this was stern, this scared me.

'G-go away.' I cried, huddling my knees to my chest, the tears hitting my legs, soaking my jeans through.

'Rose unlock this door.' A hand slammed the door, and again, then harder. It only made the sobs worse. I knew Dimitri was worried but he was acting irrationally. It was as if he had put his whole body weight on it the next time yet all focused on one spot on the door, he could make a boom from just his fist?

I flinched back but stood up, my tears clearing. I wasn't sad anymore, the switch had flipped and my emotions changed as if a light bulb had been switched on. I felt sober again, though it was clear that I wasn't near from being temperate again. I unlocked the door and flung it open, facing a wide-eyed Dimitri, his face contorted into one of worry.

'Why do you even care?!' I screamed out. 'This is my life! These are my choice and I was sick of doing what I was told to do!' He flinched back but didn't reply for a couple seconds.

'You think I don't care?' He whispered, almost afraid of my reaction and then something in him changed to. His patience snapped, he had held it in for just that too long and now it was his time to break. 'You really think I don't care! I took you in and saved you! Your life was terrible! You OWE me. You're a burden.' He shouted, his voice echoing throughout the apartment.

Now, that broke me. I had nothing left anymore, even Dimitri hated me. In that moment I really did sober up, I cared. I had gotten by without caring for less than an hour and I was already stuck in despair. Alcohol didn't save me anymore. So much for the help, I was useless- unfixable.

Another tear rolled down my cheek and a heart-wrenching sob escaped me. 'Oh God, I'm so sorry, Rose.' He whispered, his voice barely audible. He pulled me into a hug, I let him. I was too weak to push him off, too much of a burden to dominate him. I owed him, I owed him to let him do what he wanted with me. I didn't deserve this, I didn't deserve anything. My sobs only got louder as he rubbed my back soothingly.

'I didn't mean any of that.' He whispered. I nodded in reply.

'Me neither.' I hugged him tighter. Maybe I wasn't alone but maybe I was still a burden- a burden to myself.

 

* * *

 

 

We didn't move for minutes. My arms were tightly wrapped around his waist as he draped his arms around my shoulders, placing his head atop of mine.

There was silence, broken every time one of us decided to breathe. I heard his thumping heart beat just as I expected he could hear mine. It was still and comforting and I was content if only a few minutes. With a deep inhale, I broke away, though, and brought my eyes to his.

'There's something I haven't told you. I guess I was nervous...or just didn't want to. But, Lissa and I were on the computer and we ran across something. St Vladimir's, a school for troubled teens. God, I already hate how that sounds. I don't want to go there but I can't help but feel that it may free you a bit from me. It's not a boarding school so I would live here and from what we saw there was only a minor fee...' I paused, failing in finding any more words.

Dimitri hadn't said a word the whole time, he listened calmly before returning to the position we were in before. 'I know you don't want to go,' he began, the sentence muffled as he buried his face in my hair.

'But, I'm a burden and I would-' He cut me off immediately, giving me no time to argue my point. He finished the conversation with such a simple sentence.

'You don't want to go so that's final.' I shook my head, unable to comprehend his words. Had he just had the audacity to put me above himself despite what problems I had caused him?

'Dimitri-' I barely opened my mouth when he cut me off once again.

'No, Rose. I said that its final, I won't unless you want to. There is one thing that has been on my mind, though. You say that this school may be good for you, I hardly believe a school will do anything for you- but I think a therapist will.' I felt my face alter to a blank slate. I hadn't any emotion left. I felt like I had cried all tears and I had felt all joy. I was stuck in a state of in between.

'Therapist?' I asked, leaning back against the corridor's wall and stared into blank space, my eyes glossy with weariness and nothing more.

'Yes, Rose. I know this isn't something you want to do either but I believe it will help you. Really help you.' He sighed. I could practically feel his conflicting emotions so I gently cupped his face and turned back to him, blinking a few times trying to return to reality.

'I'll do it if you want me to. There was one thing that you were right about- I owe you.' I felt a pang as I said those words, there was a lot more correct than just that but he didn't need to know that I believed that; he didn't need to know that I had no self-esteem and my once flamboyant personality had run down the drain.

'You don't owe me anything.' He denied, pushing my hand down from his face and laced his fingers with me, a small reassuring smile gracing his face. 'We owe each other nothing. We're family now. Family don't owe each other anything. Except for that T-Shirt you borrowed.' He joked, slowly breaking the tension that had filled the room. I smiled, not being able to contain a small, shy laugh.

Our eyes met again but this time with small smiles on our faces. 'There's one more thing.' My face turned to a frown. I just realised my mistake... I had got too carried away before I even told. I hadn't told him why I was in the bathroom in the first place. I hadn't told him what was sure to break his heart.

'Please, don't be mad at me...' I begged, squeezing his hand.

'I would never be mad at y-' I cut him off, unable to hear the end of the sentence.

'Yes, you will but just try to stay calm.' I stopped for a second to catch my breath, watching as his face morphed into one of anxiety and fear. 'Adrian, he ran into me at the coffee shop and he began to talk to me. He...he asked me out and I...I couldn't deny him, Dimitri. I said yes.' I felt a single tear roll down my cheek but it was soon swept away by a gentle hand.

'Why, Rose? I can see you don't want to do this.' He asked, carefully, his face pitiful. I clenched my teeth and spat it out. 'I don't know.' It really was that simple. I didn't know. It may have been the pressure or simply feeling obligated to do so. But, that didn't matter now, I had said yes and there was no changing that.

'I'm meeting him tonight...it won't happen again but I can't just not turn up tonight. I'll feel too guilty.' I explained. Dimitri remained calm, his face impassive and unchanging. Dimitri smiled weakly and brushed away another stray tear.

'You better get ready then.' I could hear the strain in his voice but nodded and clambered off the floor, Dimitri following suit.

'Will it be fancy or not?' He asked, leading me to the bedroom where I had a small chest of drawers with some personal belongings and clothes stored inside.

'Fancy... I think. This is Adrian we're talking about.' I sighed and opened the door, rummaging through it to find one, simple red dress.

'It will suit you nicely.' Dimitri stated, leaning against the wall. 'Don't worry, I'll let you change in peace.' Before I could say anything, he was gone. I couldn't help but worry about what he felt. I could see the agony in his eyes yet his face remained blank, nothing there to indicate a single emotion. I guess that was how other people saw him.

I got changed quickly and looked in the mirror. It was true that my figure was good but I couldn't help but feel skimpy in the dress I was wearing- nothing knew there. I took in a deep breath and forced a smile upon my face.

This would be a good distraction, I repeated to myself before throwing on a pair of heels Lissa had bought for me and making my way to the car. Dimitri was already waiting, despite me arguing that I could walk.

'I may not like this but I'm still courteous enough to take you.' He spoke, entering the car just as I did.

felt the car begin to hum and sat back in my seat. It would be a good distraction, I repeated one last time.

A good distraction...

Distraction...

I could only hope.

 

* * *

 

 

Dimitri dropped me off at Adrian's door, leaving before he could even get a glimpse of Adrian's face. It would only end with a bleeding nose and a bloodied hand. I got into the elevator and pressed the button for floor five, just as he had told me to.

Number Six, he had said, and again, I did as he said. I went to door six and knocked on the door, waiting in the corridor, pacing as if it were my lifeline. When the door opened, Adrian revealed himself- he was dressed in a neat suit and tie and I was glad to see that I had come appropriately dress.

'You look beautiful, little doughnut.' He slurred. It was my worst nightmare because in that moment I realised that he was drunk, very drunk. I groaned but smiled at him, wanting this night to go by quickly.

A distraction, this was a distraction. I had told myself that, had I not? It would be a good one too if it weren't for me wishing to be home again. If it were not for me wishing I was it was Dimitri's arm around my waist and not the silhouette of the man next to me who had wine on his breath and a slur in his speech.

Adrian led me outside, 'I ordered a taxi, little doughnut.' He slurred, leaning in for a kiss to which I ran out of his arms and kept a metre radius around me that he would not be allowed to enter.

'Stop calling me that.' I ordered, folding my arms, an angered look passing across my face.

'What's wrong, little doughnut?' He asked, eyeing how far I was away from him- or just my body, there was no way to tell when he was in this state.

'Don't come near me. Let's just get in.' I murmured as the taxi rolled up. I immediately got into my seat, buckled in and scooted as far away as I could from Adrian who was trying to place his hand on thigh.

I felt the nerves kick in and my hands began to tremble. I wasn't nervous about the date anymore; I was nervous about what he was going to do. Of course, I could protect myself. I could throw a good punch when I needed to but I didn't want to punch a friend- if you could even call him that.

I was sure, somewhere in me, that Adrian would not take it that far but fear got the best of me as I trembled in the seat, ready to throw up there and then.

'You okay, little doughnut?' I heard a distant slur as my mind was dragged back to the present and I was suddenly too aware of how close he was to me. I nodded, swallowing heavily, and as soon as the taxi stopped, I rushed out, heaving air into my lungs.

Adrian paid and met me outside, seeming to think that I had just left the car because I felt sick- for different reasons than what it was. I had never been affected by car sickness but I wasn't about to as he grabbed my hands and I couldn't find it within me to pull away again.

I was led by pity and in my heart, I knew I only had to go through the day and then I could just tell him that we should just be friends and none of this would have to continue.

The restaurant was beautiful, I had to admit to that, and I went through the night doing my best to not stare at the numbers beside the dishes labelling the price. I knew Adrian would pay; even if he was drunk, he was always the gentleman.

I soon decided to let Adrian choose for me, knowing that I would barely eat with my appetite anyway. I didn't want him to spend too much money on me but he declined when I asked for the cheapest thing on the menu so I simply allowed him to continue the night on his orders.

I sat and listened to his drunken stories and found myself drifting in and out of consciousness. I found, throughout the night, he had made any attempts to flirt. Whether it was through nicknames or touching, I didn't want it- not at all.

I was afraid of him and I felt out of control. It was the worst feeling to know that there was nothing you could do to stop this.

But, there was. I could walk out of the door right then and never look back but I was afraid. I was a coward. 'Rose?' That was the first time Adrian had said my name that whole night. I had zoned out for too long this time and I knew there was a question hanging in the air.

'Oh, sorry, I was just...admiring your beauty.' I smirked, covering my fear with the only thing I could think of- flirting.

He smiled a devilish quirk to the lips and ran a hand through his hair, making it messier than before. 'I asked if you wanted to come back to mine?' My eyes widened and I tried to cover it with a sneeze that could only be classed as fake but it seemed he was too intoxicated to notice.

'I'm sorry, Adrian. I can't just give this beauty to everyone.' I smirked again, my hands clasped together to stop the shaking and my foot bouncing busily against the floor to let out the anxiety I was feeling.

I hadn't had to do this in a long time. I reminded me of all those men that talked to me in the bar whilst I was completely and utterly off my head but this was worse, this was someone I knew.

'Here.' I slammed a tenner down on the table and found the courage to leave. 'I really need to go.' My lips couldn't manage to form a smile again so I just hurried up and took out my phone.

Dimitri picked up immediately, telling me he would come with the car now whilst I hid in an alleyway near the entrance, hiding from Adrian's onslaughts. When the car rolled up, I felt the first tear fall. Adrian was long gone by now and I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Dimitri rushed out and scooped me into his arms, hushing soothing words into my ear and bringing me to the car.

We sat away from each other now and the tears were still slipping from my eyes but I couldn't find the energy to let out a sob. 'I'm going to kill that...' Dimitri groaned not finding a word bad enough for this man. This man that was his cousin. He couldn't believe that someone related to him could be so vile to get a girl to cry- to get me to cry.

We drove home in silence, only interrupted by a sob every few minutes. Dimitri's eyes were filled with pain and I could see him yearn to comfort me but he would have to wait until we were back home and in private.

When we finally entered the apartment, everything fell apart. The sobs came out louder and I couldn't even explain what was wrong. The drink withdrawal was sending me on an emotional rollercoaster and I couldn't believe that I had let Dimitri on with me.

Now, we were both stuck in this. We were both stuck in a state of constant depression and only when we worked so hard did the light begin to appear.

Neither of us had the energy anymore to work that hard. So, we were stuck in the dark. We had each other but another person isn't enough to bring light. Especially when that person isn't allowed to.

In that moment I couldn't have wanted Dimitri but we had promised ourselves, we couldn't do this anymore. Our feelings were to be kept for ourselves. I could find comfort in him but not in the way I wanted.

Not now, not ever.

I couldn't see a future with him anymore. I could only see me drag him down with me and I wouldn't let myself do that. That was cruel and despite me selfishness, I wasn't cruel unless it was necessary.

I kept to myself that night. I let Dimitri wrap his arms around me and comfort me but never did I talk to him, never did I console in him. I let this stay a mystery to him. If I didn't tell him, he would give up soon enough, I had hoped.

Little did I know just how much he cared.

 

* * *

 

 

I woke up to the sound of my alarm ringing like a hawk's screech. I slammed my hand down onto my phone, my fingers skimming the screen and turning the alarm off. I tossed and turned but couldn't fall asleep, I had forgotten why I had set an alarm today.

The therapist.

Today was the therapist.

It had been a week since I had talked to another person, even Dimitri. I mumbled, I nodded and used any form of communication that didn't use my vocal chords. I didn't trust myself right now. I felt that if I opened my mouth then all my feelings would flood out, as would the tears.

But, there was no escaping that today I would go to the therapist for the sake of Dimitri and myself. I wanted to be fixed and this was supposed to work so I would give it a go. That didn't mean I was completely willing, in fact, I was still much against the idea- and I wouldn't go down without a fight.

On reflection, I can see why people found me irritating and obtrusive but I stood up for what I believed in and even now, there wasn't much I would take back. I wasn't one to regret my actions but some things were too severe to pretend that it was the right thing to do.

I pushed myself up, leaning against the headboard of the bed and finally, after minutes of tensing and relaxing my legs- readying them for the movement they had been deprived of for so many days- I found my way out of the comfort of the bed and into the bathroom.

I was ready quickly, knowing I was already running late and when I found my way to the kitchen, breakfast was laying out and Dimitri was there with a smug look plastered on his face.

'I think you owe my ten dollars.' He smirked. I had convinced myself that he was joking, trying to sway me into talking but it seemed not. Dimitri was not one to joke- he was serious and if he made a bet, you would pay him what you owed.

I had only shrugged when he made the bet that I would be late for the therapist but I could see that he took it as a yes and there was no going back on that now.

I pushed my hands into my pocket and paid him a ten-dollar bill, not caring that he was the one that gave it to me in the first place- I had nothing of my own anyway. He didn't mind as his smile grew wide. It seemed that he had grown accustomed to my silence and was hoping that the therapist could open me up.

Truly, I was ready to throw things back in the woman's face- I had been given the name Dr Petrov. I had even looked up jokes beforehand and I was sure I could manage to fit one in somewhere.

Though, I was sure I would not get a laugh when I pointed out the obvious flaw in the word therapist. Just take the letters apart and arrange them into two words, I should probably not have pointed it out to her and simply let her forget about it rather than coming to the rather ironic conclusion.

When I had finished breakfast, I scrambled out of the chair, rushed to get my coat on and was led outside by Dimitri and into the old, battered car. I sighed, the warmth of the car surprising in the current cold weather.

The journey was not too long, nor was it short, so I strapped myself in and turned on the radio, silently glaring at Dimitri- no way was I listening to eighties or country music for the forty-minute journey.

The journey was smooth in the end, although Dimitri and I still had not said a word to each other. The block of offices appeared in front of us. I stumbled out of the car, my hands now shaking and made my way inside.

It was signed and the therapists were on the eighth, and top, floor. Dimitri and I, used to a horrendous amount of stairs, was up in seconds and waiting for the hour session that was about to ensue.

When my name was called, Dimitri stayed in the waiting area, and I walked into the almost clinical room. The whole process was not much different to one of a hospital's and the atmosphere set me on edge.

'Hello, Rose.' The old, but rather nice looking lady, called from her desk. 'I'm Alberta Petrov, I'm here to help.' She smiled. Her voice was soothing; she was exactly what a therapist was supposed to be.

Instead of replying, I scoffed and leant back in my chair. 'Why will you not speak to me?' She asked, no hint of annoyance catching in her voice. I scoffed again, avoiding eye contact and glancing around the room.

'I heard you rely on alcohol a lot and have even been hospitalised for that, is that true?' She asked again, the questions feeling like a weight on my shoulders. I shrugged then nodded, not sure of what information I should have revealed to the woman with a beaming smile in front of me.

Her smile, rather than lifting me up, only caused me to fall down- I felt like gum on the bottom of one's shoe when in comparison to the bright smilers.

She seemed to notice rather quickly and lost her smile and an impassive look passed over her face, she was matching me. 'Rose, can you speak for me?'

I didn't answer her question, I didn't want to. I didn't want to speak, especially for her. 'Rose can you not speak?' She smiled, her features suddenly looking as childish as her speech.

I flipped her the middle finger and said no more to which she only laughed again. I pursed my lips and tried to push down the anger raging within me, keeping quiet in the process. 'Rose, I need you to talk so I can know what's wrong. Do this for Dimitri, not me, I can see he cares. Can you speak for me, please?' Her voice was calm but begging. She had sunk low to involve Dimitri in this.

'Don't. Involve. Him.' I spat, my voice hoarse- it hadn't been used in days. She laughed. 'He's your guardian and he cares more than I've seen many fathers care for their daughters. He is involved. What does Dimitri mean to you?' I clenched my jaw. I wasn't about to tell her that I loved him and get him thrown in jail nor was I going to say that I felt he was my father.

'He's like a brother to me.' I lied, my voice trembling under the pressure. Alberta simply stared at me for the next minute. She was trying to decipher why I was lying, I could only assume. After the clock had struck twelve, she stopped.

'It seems we have run out of time, Rose. I look forward to next time.' I looked up at her, my eyes wide. Had it already finished? I hadn't realised just how long I had spent contemplating answers and sitting in silence.

We had gotten nowhere. Despite my wishes, we had gotten nowhere. It only proved just how pointless this all was yet it was saving me from going to a school that I knew I would also hate.

When I was back in the waiting room, Dimitri was waiting calmly. He raised an eyebrow at me and I shook my head. That said it all, there was no point in lying. The therapy wouldn't work and we both knew that.

I was screwed. So, so screwed.

 

* * *

 

 

The drive home was excruciatingly quiet- silent, in fact. Although it was no different on the way to the office, this was worse.

I could see Dimitri begging me to talk with his eyes alone. He had stayed quiet as if to give me space; he had seen my fallen face as I entered the waiting room.

I wanted to speak, I really did, but I couldn't gather any words that would portray it right.

I wasn't sad, disappointed maybe but disappointed in what? I had nothing to be disappointed about. Maybe it was the failure of the session itself but then again a first session wasn't going to come out with any outcome most likely but you have to have a first session. It served its purpose just fine yet somewhere I felt that this was all wrong. I didn't belong in therapy or at least I believed so.

When we arrived back at the apartment, the silence was still weighing down on both of us. 'Rose, you have to speak at some point.' Dimitri pushed, falling onto the sofa. I stood behind him, resting my arms on the backrest, remaining silent. 'Rose, please.' He begged, burying his head in his hands. 'I can't do this anymore, this silence- everything.' He sighed.

'I don't want to speak just yet.' I spoke, walking away- that was as much as I had to say.

'Rose, stop.' He stood up from his spot, turning only his head to face me. 'Just speak today and you never have to speak again. I can't read your mind nor can I send you back there if it causes you pain.'

I paused by the doorframe and looked back to him. I nodded slowly and went to sit on the sofa, next to where Dimitri had just sat down again.

'Why do you want me to talk so badly?' I asked, crossing my arms, my lips pursed into a thin line.

'You know exactly why, Rose. We need to talk.' I sighed, resting my head on his shoulder.

'I know. I just don't want to.' I sighed, shutting my eyes as if to block out the world for just a second. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and brought me even closer.

'I'm sorry for sending you there.' He began but I never let him finished. I pulled away immediately, the situation becoming tenser than before.

'Never apologise to me, Dimitri. You have done nothing worse. You saved me, I still owe you. I know you regret saying that but it's true. I owe you everything and going there could have helped but I think we can both tell that it was only an ideal. I can tell already that it will change nothing.'

Dimitri nodded, bringing me back to him again, the tension slowly seeping for us again. 'I want you to try school, Rose. I know that you don't want to, it's your own choice, I already said I would not force you into anything. I think it would be best, though.' I listened calmly, never interrupting.

His logic made sense and I had nothing to deny that he was correct. 'I will do it but we have to sort some things out first.' I stated, meeting his gaze. I wouldn't back down now. It had not taken me long to decide. As soon as he had said it in that voice, I had caved.

I had argued with myself for a while now but I was sure of myself; like the therapist, I would try. 'Rose, you need to think this through.' I shook my head.

'I have.' I stated, looking up at him once again. 'We've found a perfect school and it won't cost you any more money than you're already spending. I'll try it and I can pull out if it goes wrong. There is no point in not trying.' He nodded, he understood me just as well as I understood him.

'This seems too simple.' He stated, leaning his head on mine.

'That's good, we need simple in this mess.' I smiled, trying to bring light to this all.

We had been in the dark for so long, we needed to be free. It wouldn't last long but you only had to bask in the sunlight for a second to feel content.

'What's happened to us lately. It's like we've lost ourselves in this mess. A mess that was created but nothing but insecurity. I've just caused you pain. I still don't understand why you took me in.'

Dimitri small smile dropped as he brought my face to turn back to his as I averted my gaze.

'Don't you dare believe that I regret this.' He said, leaning in but stayed always at least an inch away. We promised ourselves we would never go further.

'Are we wrong?' I suddenly blurted, breaking the moment.

'Wrong?' He asked, it was clear that my question held no real value as of itself.

'Us. This.' I motioned between the two of us. 'Are we wrong because of what we feel.' I looked down to the ground and suddenly it felt as if I had let all of my issues out into the open.

'No.' He stated. 'We just found each other at the wrong time for that but I will never, never, regret finding you.' He was blunt in his words but it warmed my heart to hear him say it. It was as if he was stitching up my heart. I knew the thread was not strong but it would hold me together for the time being and that was all I needed.

I could get through the day and I couldn't believe that just talking had lifted that weight from my shoulders.

The therapist had failed yet Dimitri had managed to fill in that gap.

I would be okay.

I would definitely be okay.

But then again, just a few words would never fix everything. My self-esteem was as low as it could be and that would take years to fix. That didn't mean it was impossible but many things took time and this was just one of them.

 

* * *

 

 

The atmosphere was bleak and the stone building in front of me wasn't radiating any happiness. If anything, I felt timid of the old building- archaic marks scratched upon its surface. I was terrified and even with Dimitri by my side, I felt venerable to the harsh winds whipping at us from the East. We took it step by step, the palm of his hand on the small of my back. I looked down to his hand and hesitated in grabbing it, in the end clasping my hands together, rubbing them in hopes of warming up.

'It'll be fine.' He reassured quietly as if not to alert the poignant woman strutting ahead of us in the direction of the Headmistress' office.

'I know it will.' I sighed, rubbing my hands again. I hated the cold and it seemed the large complex being surrounded by trees was only trapping it rather than blocking it away. My teeth began to chatter as soon as we were there, a large, wooden door in our way. The woman fished into her pockets and brought out a distorted, brass key and slipped it into the lock. How old was this school, anyway?

The door opened to reveal a rather warm environment. The fireplace was on, distracting me from the dismal autumn weather behind the window. The Headmistress was even more poised than the woman before her. Her nose pointed to the ceiling and he lips were pursed into a state of invisibility. I wanted to laugh in her snobbish face when she began to talk but kept quiet for Dimitri's sake, who was now trying to explain my situation. How we had met. Lie. Relationship. Lie. Mental health issues? Lie. He had made me out so much better than I really was and I couldn't help but thank him. Despite already getting into the school, I would rather it that the other students didn't give me a reputation without meeting me first.

'You're free to go, Rose. The first bell is about to go.' The Headmistress spoke, her voice a high-pitched squeal somewhat similar to a seagull's. I left in a hurry, taking a bag of my books off Dimitri. I made it to my first class before it was too late, Maths. It just had to start with maths. Dishearteningly, I had been put a year behind to catch up on what I had missed so now I sat next to a bunch of fifteen, sixteen-year-olds trying to ignore their loud chit-chatting.

The teacher entered soon after, just as snobby as the rest of them. His voice had a lilt of an English accent yet was masked with such refinement, I didn't even want to decipher what it was. We started on simple equations to start the year and I felt myself lulling off when we got thirty minutes in.

'Hey, you!' The boy next to me hissed, his flaming red hair blinding me from the sides. He looked naturally ginger but it looked as if he had dip-dyed the end of his hair a vibrant red, warding off any hopes of making new friends. I didn't want to judge looks but I would have rather not been blinded every second of my day. Oh, how that plan failed.

'What?' I whispered, exasperated. 'What do you want?' I repeated when he just beamed at me, not saying a word. Did the boy manage to get a crush on me already or something?

'Just wanted to talk to the new girl.' He flirted, winking at me. I hoped he was joking. Soon after the bell rang, I found out I was right. The boy liked to joke just as much as he liked to follow. He, somehow, had ended up in nearly all of my classes and for the time being, it seemed I was stuck with the blinding-hair boy.

'What even is your name?' I asked when he went to sit next to me at lunch. I shuffled along; he was already invading my personal space. I looked down at the slop on the rusty plate the school had given me and I wished that I had just brought a packed lunch. 'Want some of mine?' The boy asked and without hesitation, I nodded. I didn't care who he was, I needed food. A chocolate doughnut would have been so good.

'And to answer your question, my name's Mason Ashford. What's yours, new- girl-who-likes-a-fight? I sighed and shot him a look of knives.

'Rose. Rose Mazur or Rose Belikov even Rose Hathaway, I don't really care.' Why had I gone into such detail? The kid was persuasive. The look he gave me alone was enough to make me spill. He was trained in this area as much as I was trained in arguments. Dear god, please help me.

'That sounds like a backstory coming.' He rubbed his hands together but I simply gave him an annoyed glance. Despite my denial, he was already my friend and I was beginning to regret talking to him in the first place. I didn't want a friend yet within the first day, I had already befriended the most annoying kid in school.

'Not one that I'm going to tell you.' I shot at him, taking the sandwich he had offered me from his hands, biting it greedily. I was never one for majestic eating. I smiled at him for the first time that day as a thank you. It felt amazing to be back to normal. I had left drama and fear behind. For now, I could relax at school and spend my home life eating, doing homework and ignoring Dimitri. I was happy with my plan and it seemed it would all work out perfectly.

Until the day Dimitri got called in for the first time and everyone met my 'dad'. He had been called in after a rather minor fight with an English teacher in which I had called her a racist pig. It hadn't gone down that well with her.

Dimitri didn't mind being called in, surprisingly. He had known it would come sooner or later and as long as I was getting an education and not on the booze again, he was fine. He had met with the Vice-principal. Something I was not allowed to join him on. But, in the process, everyone had finally found out who my dad was and to say they were in love was an understatement. It was clear that I was one of the nicer looking girls of the year but Dimitri, he was a god on earth for them. A mix of the Russian accent and tall stature, along with the sadly overt muscles, made the perfect crush for all high school girls. Suddenly, I had felt the need to push him out of the school to avoid the students gaze. But, I had failed and had to deal with the multiple stares without punching their faces in.

Dimitri and I met on the grounds that was used to sit and laze around at break times. The air was still cold and it was clear that winter was beginning to seep in but we made no move to go inside. 'You have to stop this, Rose. I can't be getting called in daily. I have a job.' He looked down at me, his arms folded.

I sighed, 'I know. It won't happen again,'

'Good, now let's get home.' I nodded and trailed after him, ignoring the jealous stares of the girls and even a few of the boys. I guess this was as good as school could get, though. And as I waved Mason off, I realised, it really was.

 

* * *

 

 

When we arrived home, the wind howling and the apartment block shaking on its unsteady base, Dimitri and I parted ways rather quickly. I rushed to my bedroom to get my first large bout of homework done, at least trying to be productive for the time being. If it distracted me, I would do it- no matter how much I would prefer to rebel and not do a piece of homework in my life.

That distraction was stripped away as soon as the doorbell rang two sets of footsteps echoed reverberated around the thin walls of the house. 'Rose, Lissa is here to talk to you!' Dimitri called, beckoning from my hovel. I stretched out my arms, sighing heavily and trudged into the living room, looking at Lissa impassively.

I no longer held the grudge I once did but I still had no words to say to her. She had been aggressive, rude and all-round annoying but that didn't mean she wasn't a good friend and I didn't want to hold all of thirty seconds against her for the rest of her life. She was being honest. Honesty was what she did best. But, I couldn't even be sure of what she did. I had assumed and assumptions only led to fights. They never ended the way that one would want them to.

'Hey, Lissa.' I murmured, holding my head low and my shoulders lower, twisting my foot around my leg.

'Rose!' She cried out and brought me into a tight embrace. 'I missed you!' She pulled back, grasping me by my shoulders, beaming. 'You haven't answered any of my messages! I was beginning to worry.' She looked slightly defeated but I paid no notice giving Dimitri a look indicated that I wanted to be alone. He nodded, reading me openly as usual.

So, Lissa and I were alone. I sighed and brought myself to the couch, sitting down roughly, keeping my eyes on her as she wondered aimlessly around the room. Her posture was tall, regal and her blonde, curled hair made me believe a crown was on her head and all in all, it made me envious of her looks but now was no time to think of that as the princess sat next to me.

'I want to know what's wrong, Rose?' She whispered, carefully. She acted as if I was a shard of glass, both ready to kill and to break. Maybe both.

'It's nothing. I just,' I sighed heavily, trailing my eyes to the floor. It was time that I forgot the past and continued in the present. It would be all the kept me sane. 'You said something and...it hurt me. But, I assumed something I shouldn't so I'm sorry I ignored you. It was never my intention to make you worry. I just...have been going through a lot.' I shivered, memories of past events surfacing. I collected them, feeling the guilt hit me like a wave, but threw them away just as I was supposed to. And, suddenly, I felt a lot calmer than before. I no longer felt so alone. Lissa and I had been close, even if only for a short time, and I was glad to have her by my side again.

'Don't worry about it, Rose. I'm just glad you're better.' She smiled widely and I wished to smile back at her. But, I didn't feel better. I felt hope. That was something. But, I didn't feel any better. I still had that repressed urge; I still wanted to let go. But, I denied myself the pleasure and let myself hope. Hope that I would overcome this.

'And, congratulations on getting back into school!' She squealed excitedly, wrapping her frail arms around me. I smiled at her; I couldn't tell if it were real or not anymore. I had lost my way and at this rate, hope really was all I had. I clung to it as if it were a cliff's edge. And that meant, I was about to fall.

Another week passed after that and a routine was made. Dimitri and I, despite never arguing, also never talked. He began to give me money to buy food rather than eating the school slop meaning that I often had a chocolate doughnut for lunch and I had also begun self-defence classes to not only burn some of the weight it was adding on to me but also protect myself if anything were to occur...again.

I was actually training with Dimitri for that but even then, we still never spoke. He gave orders and I followed and our private training sessions were proving more useful than any group session would be but the close proximity and constant contact was beginning to take a toll on both of us.

I had a new found anger now and I had found only one way to let that out. And, it came in the form of multiple fights at school. If not that, arguments with teachers. If not even that, purposefully causing trouble around the school site. I had become the school punk and my nature from before the accident was starting to appear. I was becoming a rebel again and Dimitri was beginning to worry, hadn't that been the reason I had begun drinking in the first place? He was right to worry.

'Sir, I don't think that's correct.' I pointed to the board. We had made it five minutes into the lesson and I was already butting in. 'I believe there is supposed to be an apostrophe there.' I was beginning to disrupt the class and the teacher's flushed cheeks were giving me the satisfaction I needed- craved, even.

'Rose, no there is not.' He was right, I only argued for the sake of it now anyways. I liked to disrupt the class and the other kids, that no longer had a care for learning, were feeding off that time I was giving them. I was freeing them, I lied to myself. I was causing them to fail their exams and it became clear on that Friday when we had all received an 'F'.

Days kept on passing and I just kept spurring the teachers into trying to tell me off, trying to punish me. I laughed in their face. They had no reason to punish me under school regulations. I was simply putting my input in and with the school this was, there was nothing that said I wasn't allowed.

I used the loopholes in the rules to my advantage and everyone knew it. Even Dimitri as he got called in time after time. He was always gracious about it but never bothered to ask me what had happened. He knew well enough. He was feeling what I was feeling himself. But, Dimitri, being who he was, used that anger well. He trained people to get rid of that anger, he was a pro at doing it himself.

Time ticked by and I was losing my hope. That hand on the cliff's edge was beginning to slip. I was about to plummet and soon, someone would have to come and wrap a hand around my arm and drag me up. Dimitri could no longer do that so who could?

 

* * *

 

 

'Dimitri, are you ready!' I called out, my voice harsh in the small room. I heard a muffled 'yes' before a ruffled Dimitri came out of the bathroom. His hair was dripping wet and his clothes stuck to his body but we had no more time, we were going to be late.

'I don't believe I am doing this again, Rose. Can you not just stop and save me all this hassle.' He groaned and I smiled mischievously, a single moment of our old relationship peeking through, and shrugged before stalking out of the room, grabbing the keys on the way. We made our way down the many flights of stairs before jumping into the car and revving the engine.

I leant back in the leather seat, trying to relax. I felt that familiar anger push through being so close to Dimitri but I pushed it away and took deep breaths. I hated how he could do this to me. I hated how much he affected me.

Either way, it was like any other mundane day, nothing new. For Dimitri, it was becoming more and more dull talking to similar teachers who all lectured him on keeping me under control. He never listened. Despite being my guardian, he wasn't one to act as a father. He let me do what I wanted as long as it was within reason. But, as this went on, I found myself dragging him thin. He was wearing out and the money was starting thin with the amount of time off he was forced to take.

His self-defence class were often in the morning meaning that the meetings overran almost all his lessons. I still didn't feel a tad of remorse. I only even thought of myself back then. There was no need to think of another person- I had no responsibility for another person. Unlike Dimitri.

This would mark the first day, though, of me actually coming to the meeting along with him. It seemed that even the school was sick of lecturing a parent when it was clearly the student at fault. They were going to meet Vice Principal Ozera, an infamous name around school. Few had seen her and even fewer had talked to her- I would have the privilege of both.

The car rolled up at the school compound and they were let through the gates by the sandwich-eating guards who never seemed to put much care into their job. And then, we were in.

Dimitri got out first, holding the door open for me. I took it gratefully but didn't spare him a glance as I threw open the boot and grabbed my few school books out: I wasn't one for school supplies. We made our way to the office in record time, the route implanted in both our minds but rather than going to the usual first door, we went to the second, as instructed.

Dimitri knocked rather politely whilst I stood and waited, my arms folded and defensive, a scowl set on my face. No matter how much I like wreaking havoc, talking to teachers was definitely not my favourite part.

'Come in!' A voice called and the door was pushed open revealing a grand wooden office with a pompous gold trim around its edge. Rose could already tell the woman was a snob without even looking at her.

Her looks, they were far from snobbish. A jagged scar marred her rough skin like it was a fresh wound. Her blue eyes were dim a lifeless and her smile was so fake that I was ready to gag. 'Hello, Rose. Dimitri.' She gave us both a curt nod, sending a flashy smile to Dimitri in the process. She flinched when a practically growled her but just smothered her smile back on her makeup-plastered face.

She motioned for both of us to take a seat, both of us complying without a word. This woman was intimidating, that much was clear, and she even managed to strike some sort of discomfort into Dimitri which is almost impossible to do to the stoic man.

The meeting went on and I still hadn't said a word. Dimitri hadn't said much either, this Ozera woman sure liked to talk. She showed reports, charts even a few photographs- I would have to find out who took those- of me. It was ridiculous, Dimitri didn't need proof- he needed a solution. On the other hand, for me, it was heaven. I sat back and watched, observing each and every detail- planning how to avoid conviction like this again. No matter how much I like doing it, something within me was beginning to feel bad for Dimitri for having to listen to the hag sitting opposite us.

When the meeting ended, no new knowledge had been shared apart from Miss Ozera's very obvious crush on Dimitri. It seemed that she was now one of many throughout the teaching staff. Although, unlike before, Dimitri was responding. He responded just as he used to respond to me. He had shown her his true smile and the rage within me was unable to be hidden.

I left in a storm, Dimitri trailing behind me. He didn't understand and neither did I, really. I ignored Dimitri and then expected him to chase after me, what was I thinking? I was stupid; I was always stupid.

'What happened, Rose.' Dimitri asked, his accent having dulled over time. His accent wasn't anywhere near as Russian as it was before. Everything of him had faded. I almost felt as if he wasn't there anymore.

'Nothing.' I said no more and stormed off to my locker to get ready for school. Dimitri went the other way and went back to work.

I sighed and slammed my fist against the locker, venting my frustrations. I hated myself. I wanted to drink but I still wouldn't, I wouldn't break my promise to Dimitri. I don't think I could do that to him.

Dimitri was still my everything. No matter how much I ignored him, no matter how much I hated him, I would do whatever he asked. If that was not to drink, I would obey. For him. Always, for him.

 

* * *

 

 

The house was rather silent for a Sunday evening. Rose was scrolling through her phone, finally beginning to enjoy the perks of having the glass brick in her hand. Dimitri, on the other hand, seemed to be continuously stirring his coffee, not stopping despite it being well stirred by now- if that was even a thing.

Rose opened her messaging app only to find a message sent days before that she hadn't had the time to notice.

**Adrian:**

_Rose, I didn't mean to do that to you. I was drunk, again. I'm...trying to get off all of that. But, I'm still sorry I did that to you. That was me not the drink and I know that doesn't make you forgive me but at least it's an explanation. Dimitri will be mad, can you tell him that I really am trying to stop? He doesn't seem to believe me._

_Adrian._

My eyes flew open. Adrian? Apologising? It seemed unreal but nonetheless sent a smile to my face. I typed back to say all was forgiven when Dimitri peered over my back. 'You're forgiving him?' And, in that simple question, I began to doubt myself. It was Dimitri's speciality actually. He would give a simple question and suddenly, doubt. You would think over your decisions and in turn became much less rash.

Now, sitting there, I didn't understand why I was forgiving Adrian at all. Did I just want to comply in forgiving him and move on? Or, maybe, it was the mention of the alcohol changing his mindset? I could relate to that one. I wasn't sure anymore and as Dimitri rested his head on the backrest, just above where mine was, I began to ponder whether it was worth it or not.

I could see the smugness in Dimitri's expression, though, and out of defiance and I tapped the button that would fix it all. Send. I snickered at Dimitri's shock, almost invisible on his features and walked away to my room to have some privacy.

'Rose!' I heard my name be called and I sighed, stalking out of my room to face Dimitri whose arms were crossed and eyebrows furrowed. 'Why did you forgive him? After what happened when you came back I didn't expect it to be that easy.' His usual relaxed posture had become stiff and tall, making him loom over me as if he was a skyscraper. I gulped nervously but held my head high. Defiance was key in forgetting about Dimitri. That was my aim, right? I wasn't sure anymore. It had been so long, I didn't understand what had caused all this.

Maybe it was the withdrawal symptoms that often crept up on me. I hated it. I believed I acted so irrationally, so logically, yet, in reality, I was a mess- in simple terms.

That's why, the next day, talking to Mason I finally brought the topic up that I had promised Dimitri I wouldn't. 'Hey, Mase?' His head flew up, his red hair flopping over the side of his head. He nodded, gesturing for me to carry on. 'How would you feel about getting us some booze for a two man party?' I smirked, leaning forward, my head resting on my arms.

Mason replied simply with a nod and a smirk. I knew this would happen. I was worried, that was for sure, but I couldn't hold back any longer. I was excited, too. Somewhere within me had been wishing for this for a long time. Even when I had promised to get off the drink.

Maybe, just another part of me wanted to defy Dimitri. But, that still didn't explain why. I had no 'why'. I just did. I was impulsive, rash and indescribably irritating. Dimitri was in his late twenties yet he was managing to bring up a girl with a horrendous condition all whilst trying to earn both a living and a future.

I don't understand, now, why I did what I did. I couldn't, can't, remember the rationale behind it- the reason. It's all a jumble of memories, now. It's one large, messy cloud, floating through the sky, passing by, never to be seen again.

Mason, with a glint in his eye, stood up, drawing my attention. 'I have a drink with me already.' I gaped at Mason, a wide smile on my face as I stood up and began to pace to the outside of the school grounds. We still had classes but they no longer matter, after weeks of withdrawal, I wanted some- needed some.

Mason shot me a concerned look which I shrugged off and continued to walk, although still rather fast, and continued towards the forest. The forest was what surrounded the school and was the perfect location for students to hide. Many had used it for parties despite being continuously found by the school.

The school didn't accept boarders but that didn't mean people were not allowed to stay until late and that just meant the students had to extend school hours and sit in the forest, bottles in hand and have a ball. That was what student life was.

But, when Mason and I found ourselves in the forest- it was empty. It was school times, after all, and few people risked being caught by the teachers after they were found skiving. Despite the school having an incredibly large campus, teachers had learnt spots that skivers fled to and found them within five minutes of leaving. But, I didn't care. Five minutes was all I needed. One swig of the mysterious liquid in Mason's backpack and it would all be over. My reform would be over and I could be myself again. Or, at least, what I believed was myself.

'To us!' Mason cheered, holding out his newly poured glass. The liquid was clear and I had no intention of asking what it was. It was alcohol, that was the single fact I needed to know. And, as I took my first chug, that feeling of bliss returned. That increasingly difficult climb up the mountain had finished, yet, I hadn't ended up at the top. I had found myself back at the start again.

I had found the cheat's way out but I didn't care. I no longer cared about a thing. I was free again. I was free of work, of torture, of life. But, I also found myself free of opportunity, change. I was lost now. Lost is only good for a moment. Soon enough you realise, safety is enjoyed for a reason.

 

* * *

 

 

'Rose Hathaway!' The voice echoed like the devil itself. The headmistress was strutting towards the two of us who both had bottles in our hands- there was no way of escaping this. Mason made a signal for us to leave but I stayed still. I watched as the headmistress' muscles relaxed as she realised we were making no plan of escape. It would simply be easier for both of us.

What I didn't realise was that she wasn't alone. Behind her were the two people I least wanted to see. Dimitri and Tasha stood there, side by side, both with looks of disappointment on their faces. They knew of my problem and they had thought that phase of my life was over. They were wrong.

'Rose, what have you done.' Dimitri approached me, ripping the bottle out of my hand. Mason went to speak but Dimitri immediately turned to him, looming over him like a skyscraper compared to a fly. 'You know nothing of what's going on Mason. Leave. They can deal with you later.' Dimitri spoke so calmy, so gently yet it still sent Mason scrambling across the school campus and back to lessons.

I stood, staring Dimitri up and down. 'You're not a teacher. You have no right to order him around like that.' He pursed his lips, his muscles bulging under the tension he held in his body. He was stressed, that much was clear, and it was even clearer that I was the cause of it.

'You can talk to the teachers then. Come on.' He sounded frustrated but not yet angry. I knew he wouldn't break until I spoke up. We both would wait until we were somewhere private. Despite enjoying making a spectacle, this issue was too private to share with the entire student body- or so I thought.

We made our way to Miss Ozera's office, the Headmistress leaving it to her to solve this problem. I sat down in my usual seat just as Dimitri did the same. 'Actually, Rose, can you wait outside for a second?' Miss Ozera gave me a sickly sweet smile, telling me I had no choice in the matter. So, in turn, I stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind me.

But, no way was I giving them any privacy. They talked often and it was time I heard what they had to say. 'Dimka, she can't go on like this.' Miss Ozera's voice came, muffled by the door in my way. Dimka? I couldn't help but wonder what it meant or why she had said it.

'Tash, I know but I don't know what to do anymore.' I almost reeled back. Dimitri was being so open with her, he sounded so vulnerable. He had never sounded like that with me. The nicknames, too, maybe they were closer than I thought. The idea sent sickness to my stomach. I wanted to gag but I withheld it, continuing to listen to their conversation.

'Dimitri, she has to go to rehab.' Tasha's voice was uncaring, forceful as if it were an order. Dimitri seemed unfazed, though.

'I won't do that to her. She doesn't need it, she was fine until today. I can't send her away, I've ruined her life enough already.' I gulped, my eyes welling up. I always thought I was the burden but Dimitri was holding it all on his own shoulders.

'You haven't done a thing, Dimka. This is her. You can't blame yourself.' I wanted to scream those words along with her. No matter how cruel she sounded as she said them, they were all too true. I gritted my teeth not letting the tears spill. I wanted it more than ever now. Yet, I couldn't even say its name. It brought fear to me more than anything else in that moment.

I had stopped thinking about what it did to me. I began to think what it did to other people. I had become selfless. I wanted to stop drinking again, for him. That's always been the reason- for him. I had often said it was for the both of us but it never was. It was simply and purely for him.

'I can blame myself. I'm her parent after all.' He sighed. I wanted to run into his arms and tell him that I regretted it all but I wouldn't risk my cover, it would only end up worse for me. I was no help to him anyway.

'You're not, though.' Tasha stated. It was all too true. I wasn't a child nor was he a parent. We were just in this together, doing what we could. That was the problem. Neither of us had any idea what we were doing. Neither of us knew what was happening. It just happened as it did. We put our faith in destiny. But, destiny doesn't always create happy endings.

'Rose, you can come in!' Tasha called out, apparently already fed up with Dimitri and her's conversation. I was too. I went in and sat back down in the seat I had been sat in before.

'Rose, this is your final warning. I've talked with Dimitri and after this, it will be required of you to go to rehab-'

'Tasha,' Dimitri tried to interrupt but failed.

'No, Dimitri. This decision is final. One more incident and that's it, Rose.' I nodded solemnly, trailing my eyes to the floor.

'Let's go.' Dimitri growled, rushing out, me following quickly behind him. He wasn't happy, that was obvious and I could understand why. Despite his protests, Tasha had the audacity to tell me that she would send me away. Even others didn't see Dimitri as a parent and I could tell it was starting to get on his nerves.

'You two seem close.' I noted as we walked to the car, Dimitri pulling me out of classes once again.

'Don't, Rose.' We were hardly out of the campus and as usual, we had attention on us from all sides. I stopped, looking around, counting the number of people around. More than I would have liked but I no longer cared.

'Why not?' I taunted grimly. He growled, using his height against me but I wasn't intimidated, I knew him too well. He wouldn't lay a finger on me.

'You know why.' He took a step forward just as I took a step back but I wasn't standing down. I had the power in the conversation and we both knew it.

'No! I don't!' I called out, throwing my arms in the air, drawing attention. Dimitri looked around but he lost the crowd easily as his eyes focused back on me. We both forgot the crowd.

'You don't want to do this, Rose.' He warned, taking a step back. It was my turn to take a step forward.

'Yes, I do. You want to know why I drink. It's because of you!' I was so caught up in the motions that I didn't know what I was saying, I didn't realise I was spitting out lies. Lies that Dimitri believed. We had drawn a crowd by now, all curious as to what was going on. Neither of us cared.

'You think I don't know that! You think I don't blame myself every day for not getting you a better home!' He shouted. I rarely heard him shout. It scared me but once again, I wasn't backing down.

'Then why do you not send me away!' I screamed now, no longer caring. I wanted to hear. I wanted him to hear it loud and clear. I had spouted nonsense, lies but the last statement was all too true. Why hadn't he sent me away? Why did he keep me with him? Why did he keep the burden on his shoulders?

'You know why.' I heard it all too clearly. It was true. I did know. No matter how much I denied it, I knew. I love you. Those were the words I heard. We both knew it. We both felt it so strongly. Despite the residing bad feelings towards him, I would always love him.

Then, despite his words, we fell into silence. Again.

 

* * *

 

 

Two weeks passed and neither of us said a word. I hadn't spoken to Dimitri nor had I spoken to Mason- or anyone else for that matter. I had suffered in silence. Dimitri was hardly different from me; I could see the pain in his eyes. He still blamed himself.

His friends had visited- Lissa, Chris and Mia. And, he had been polite enough to make small talk, even make a drink or two but never did he speak when I was in his presence. He waited until I was out of sight- and, even then, his words were minimal. That didn't mean I hadn't heard his words, though. He simply hadn't known I was there. And, it was becoming clearer, that his friends- our friends- were beginning to worry. But, never could they pry an answer from us. We could ignore them just as well as we could ignore each other.

I had been holed up in my room for days and left it for the rare occasion of school. I didn't often go anymore and my attendance was falling rapidly. I had been called in for it once or twice after that, Dimitri speaking for the first time in my presence: it was only to defend himself for my absence. Tasha let him go, either way, it was only required of her to talk to us. Punishment never ensued. It was explained that I had been feeling ill and it was left at that. Nothing more had to be said.

It was true too. I had been feeling ill. Ill at the prospect of leaving. Ill at the prospect of leaving my room. I had become blank. I did nothing, I said nothing. I had no aspiration, no goals. I was simply there- nothing more and nothing less.

Two weeks later and we finally were sat in the same room. Only for convenience, really, we simply both loved the sofa. We would just have to bear each other's presence. 'Rose.' Dimitri sighed, pulling me from my reverie as he sat next to me on the sofa. I pulled my gaze to him, stunned. It seemed unreal for him to address me like this. It had been a long time since he had spoken in my presence, even longer since he had even addressed me.

I hummed in response, staring back into the cup of hot chocolate in my hand, blowing on it gently. Dimitri looked tense and I wasn't in the mood for another argument. 'I want to apologise.' I turned to him once again, more stunned than the last time. I was curious, now. What did he have to apologise for? This was me but, of course, he still blamed himself.

'I shouted at you and I had no good reason to. I was just worried, Rose.' He buried his hands in his hair and leant forward. I shot him a look of pity but let him continue without interruption. 'I also wanted to tell you, before she tells you, Tasha and I...we're together.' I was about to speak of but Dimitri flung his gaze towards me. 'No, Rose. Please don't argue. I know why you're angry. But, we have to move past this. This game has gone on too long. I've done a lot of bad things involving you, Rose. But, this isn't one of them. I think this will be good...for the both of us.' I glared, not saying a word.

Tasha. He had picked f*cking Natasha Ozera- my teacher. Ironic really. I was seven years younger, I wouldn't be surprised if she was seven years older. 'You're actually serious, aren't you?' I asked in disbelief. It couldn't be true. This wasn't real. This wasn't happening.

'I am, Rose. You know what I feel for you, don't think that's changed. But...you're still seventeen. If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is.' I could see Dimitri's words stab him like a knife. They were more painful for him than they were for me.

The silence after that lasted minutes. Neither of us minded, we had so much to think through. Me more than him. 'I'm sorry.' I blurted, bringing his attention back to me. 'This is all my fault. I've stopped you from being happy for so long. I can't...I've been a b*tch.' I laughed humorously at myself.

'No, that's not true.'

'Yes, it is. Dimitri, you can't deny it. I've been a burden since the start. You're still in your twenties and here you are, having had adopted a seventeen-year-old alcoholic into your home. You're the best I could have ever wished for. You need to stop blaming yourself. I'm mad, don't think that I'm not. But, I understand.' I let out a sigh, leaning back into my chair, leaving Dimitri looking as if he were at a loss for words.

'Thank you.' He smiled so gently that I couldn't help but feel those feelings I used to feel. I still loved him. He had just confirmed that he still loved me. But, it was no less allowed. That was just how cruel life was.

'I just want you to be happy.' In a bold move, I leant my head on his shoulder and cuddled into his side, missing the warmth I had once often had. I didn't care that we weren't together. I didn't care that there was another woman in his life. This was us. This is what I had been denying myself for so long. Throughout all the arguments, the pain, I had begun to ignore him more and more until it pained me more than it did him. I held unneeded hatred. And now, I was free of that burden. He had moved on and although I hadn't, he was happy. Or, at least, I hoped he was. I had to let him have his own life. It couldn't revolve around me.

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and he pulled me closer, my hot chocolate now placed carefully on the table. I smiled brightly at him and as he looked back down at me, his smile equally bright, it felt as if all was forgiven. We cared about each other too much to care about the past. We could keep having arguments, keep fighting but, somewhere in the fray, we would always have these moments.

 

* * *

 

 

Dimitri and I were wrapped within another silence. It was deafening. It felt as if it was pounding us like hammers. There was no reason for the silence apart from that tint of uneasiness between us. There was a rope between us, dragging us together, yet it burned any time we moved. So, we stopped moving. We, once again, stopped trying.

But, the avoidance stopped and the rude words were silenced. I was just waiting for the day when Tasha would leave if that day were ever to come. Tasha was the only obstacle left. Without her, the rope would stop burning me, my words would no longer feel like fire and I could...I wasn't sure anymore. I couldn't return to myself- 'myself' was a rude, abrasive, head-strong girl with a deep-rooted attitude. I wanted to become something else yet I didn't want to lose me in the process. It was all so complicated.

That was where the silence originated, to avoid complication. Silence can cure many things, just as much as words but at the end of either comes the other. At the end of silence comes words, words much worse than if you were to talk first. Or, you talk and then you let the silence fall- that silence is more deafening that any silence that could have been had before.

It was cry or sob, now. There were no smiles. Those moments of hope were just another fracture in the ice that sending me deeper into the hole of despair. That's why, when another week rolled by, I asked to return to the therapist. If only once, I wanted to tell someone...something. I didn't care what it was, I just wanted to say something.

Dimitri agreed without hesitation and the next day, we were driving on that familiar road to the plain-featured office block that held the therapist's office inside. I almost ran out of the car as if to escape the suffocation I felt inside the metal box and took deep breaths. I had never been carsick before and I felt as if it wasn't sickness that was the problem.

I glanced at Dimitri, whose face was not unlike mine. We were suffocation each other, plain and simple. We had finally made up yet something was still in our way. Something that we couldn't get over. It felt like there was a secret laid before us and neither would fess up. Something was stopping us from trusting each other. Maybe that was Tasha, maybe it was just me, maybe it was my mental state. It all felt too much.

I rushed into the waiting room, not wanting to wait any longer than I had to. I had personally requested my previous therapist, Alberta Petrov. She was kind and wasn't as blunt as many of the teachers I had dealt with over the past month or so: she was the best, and only, choice I had.

When my name was called, Dimitri leant back in his seat. 'See you in half an hour.' He attempted a smile but it came across as no more than a grimace so I said nothing and rushed into the office, glancing down at the people below who were no bigger than ants.

I swung the door open and slammed it behind me, throwing myself in the same seat as last time. 'Hello, nice to see you-'

'I think I'm going to drink and I want help.' I interrupted, my words rushed, haste and hard to comprehend.

'Wow, that was...' Alberta shook her head and smiled. 'Talk to me, then.' I nodded and began to speak. I got everything out yet something had to hold me back. Every time it was Dimitri, Dimitri, Dimitri. But, I could never tell her the problem. Jealousy? I couldn't have that for a father-figure. Sadness? What reason did I have to be sad if it weren't for him being in a relationship with another woman?

None of my problems could be fixed without just saying it. But, it was illegal and she worked under the government. I couldn't say a word. 'Rose, I want you to tell me what's really going on.' I can't. 'Please, Rose.' I shook my head, throwing my gaze to the floor.

'Rose, I can't help you-'

'I can't tell you! Okay?' I shouted. I was sure the whole floor had heard it, Dimitri included. Alberta sighed.

'Another time you are going to tell me because, otherwise, this will just keep on going. I can't help until I find the source and you are refusing to tell me despite knowing what it is. This is up to you now, Rose. I can't do anything more without your help.' I nodded hesitantly.

'Maybe next time.' I agreed and stood from my chair, my legs trembling. I could barely hold my weight but I made it outside in time to fall into a seat and calm my shaking body. It was all on me now. This was my problem to fix but I didn't know how. How do you solve jealousy?

I looked up and scanned the room and what I saw only made it worse. A peck on the cheek and a few flirtatious words and I was ready to throw a punch. Tasha was here. Alberta must have notified her but it was clear that she hadn't come for me.

She was practically on Dimitri, nevermind waiting for me. I stood, the shaking now gone and replaced only with a tremendous anger. 'I'll be waiting in the car.' I spat, flinging my hair over my shoulder and pacing out of the building.

I couldn't believe it. Even the little bit that had just been solved was replaced with only worse thoughts.

I wanted a drink.

I wanted a drink.

I needed a drink.

I wanted to forget but what did I expect? It never made me forget. I believed it made me forget. It never did. It was just there to send me into delirium, a dream-like state where I could do what I want. It gave me freedom yet when it ended, it only trapped me in more.

I didn't know what to do. I was being closed in and soon I would be crushed.

 

* * *

 

 

'No! That's unfair!' I shouted, hopefully sending spit into the witch's face. 'You can't just do that!' I threw my arms up in the air, standing my ground. Dimitri stayed put, not moving, looking in a state of prayer, maybe begging me to stop.

'Rose, you were found drinking on the site again. And, if you refuse rehab, then we refuse for you to be allowed on the premises. I know expulsion sounds extreme but it's our only option right now.' Tasha smiled, a smile as fake as snow in the summer. She wished to be kind to me yet all her words came out like venom from a snake. We saw the sub-texts of each other's words and soon there was a deep-rooted hatred in both of us.

'Tasha, I'm sure the school can rethink this.' Dimitri sighed, taking his head out of his hands. 'Rose has nowhere else to go. You're taking her from having an education!' Dimitri pleaded but it was useless, I had to leave and there would be no input from either of us on whether I did or did not.

'I'm not, Dimka.' I scoffed at the name, shooting her a glare. 'She isn't learning a thing here. She has skipped most lessons and she surely isn't paying attention when she does attend.' She made a good point but that did not stop me from snarling. I wanted to leave, now.

Yes, this was my fault. There was no other way to put it. I had been intoxicated on the premises, as they put it, again. Mason sober for once, dragging me along with him. He had soon caught on that the drinking wasn't for fun anymore. He knew something was wrong, he just refused to ask.

'She drunk once, can't you give her another chance?' Dimitri looked desperate, a look that far from suited him, as he clenched his teeth and sought for the answer.

'It isn't just the drinking. You know that too. She isn't behaving at any occasion on these grounds. She's a troublemaker that is refusing to be fixed.' Tasha spoke as if she was high enough to look down at me. If anything, she was the scum. She was cruel, manipulative...or, at least, that is what I saw.

'Fixed? I don't need to be fixed. I just need help! Don't you get that!' I looked at her with disdain. She really didn't understand. She believed me a broken toy, too destroyed for it to even be a thought to fix the damn thing. I wasn't broken, I was dysfunctional. There's a key difference. One just needs a little tweak and everything is perfect again.

I wasn't broken. Broken things were lost forever and I refused to believe I was worthless anymore. I couldn't go through that again. 'I've seen you two together. I'm sure you can figure this out yourselves.' She sighed, a hint of something else there. Dimitri seemed oblivious yet I heard it loud and clear. That was the voice of jealousy, that was the one I held in my hand. That was the emotion I hated most.

'You're jealous!' I announced, laughing maniacally. 'That's what all this is about! You're jealous!' I taunted, Tasha's face flushing red as I did so.

'I am not jealous. What do I have to be jealous of?' That shut me up. I glared. She knew I couldn't say it aloud. She knew I was trapped in silence. She knew I couldn't say a word. She thrived off that. It was the only thing that masked her own unending jealousy.

'You know exactly what you're jealous of.' I spat, taking a step towards her.

'No, I don't.' She smiled wickedly and sat back down in her office chair, examining her nails like a stereotypical primadonna girl.

'Rose, let's go.' Dimitri spoke calmly, standing up and gripping my arm with a painful force before dragging me out. When we had reached a far enough distance, the zen-lessons began. 'Why is it that you do this?' He sighed, leading me to the car.

'Do what?' I asked slyly, joining in on his game.

'What do you think, Roza?' That name. Why use that name. He hadn't used it in so long. He was using it to manipulate me. He knew what it did to me, he knew what it made me believe. He had become just as cruel as the rest of them.

'What do you think, Dimka?' I retorted, trying to carve my words into sharp blades. Dimitri simply sighed.

'How are you the only one that can make me lose my temper?' He asked, shaking his head minutely in disbelief.

'Because you care about me?' I looked up at him, the conversation shifting, we were dancing on knives now. It was still too early to say it yet if we continued on without, it would only rip us apart. We wouldn't be ourselves anymore. We were relying on each other's emotions. The thought made me sick. I was independent, since when had that changed. Since when had I relied so heavily on those three words that have become so insignificant to so many.

'Most likely.' He dead-panned, shoving himself in the car. He didn't want to say them. Had he really lost those feelings? Was I the only one who couldn't let go. As painful as it was, it could easily be true. Dimitri had moved on. Love fades...his has, I guess. Yet, hadn't he just agreed that he cared about me. Wasn't it that he didn't want to care yet, unfortunately for him, he did.

We both hated this. It wasn't just me. We hated this game. We hated each other's presence because we knew we could never be closer. We knew there was an unwritten rule forcing us apart.

We were withering away because we couldn't be together. We would heal, we could leave and we could heal. But first, we would have to break even further and at this point, neither of us could believe it could get any worse.

I slipped into the car and roughly tugged on my seatbelt. 'Why do we do this?' I questioned, my hands trembling as I clasped them on my lap.

'Do what, Rose?' He asked, once again, no trace of emotion in his voice. He was putting his walls up but I would never allow that. I broke down everything in my path and if his walls were included in that, I would be happy to do so.

'This, Dimitri. This.' I motioned to me before motioning to him, joining us with that invisible line that never let us leave. We were both together and distant. We were stuck in limbo, the one place you never want to be.

'I don't know.' He sighed, pressing on the accelerator, driving the car forward.

'Can't we just stop?' I asked, childishly.

'That isn't how it works, Rose. I think we both know that.' He sighed, clenching the steering wheel.

'I guess so. Just know that when I turn eighteen, I'm ending this. Not us. This.' I stated boldly, holding my head high, sure in my thoughts for the first time in a long time.

'I know, Rose. It's what I'm counting on.'

 

* * *

 

 

'Tasha, don't do this.' Dimitri begged, the phone clutched painfully tight in his hand- his eyes shedding just the slightest hint of tears.

'Do what, Dimitri? End this? It's clear that you don't want this to go on so I'm ending this before you can do the same to me. You love her, Dimitri and you're a bastard for doing so but it's nothing a can change- well, not without getting you in trouble, of course.' She sneered down the receiver as if that was exactly what she planned on doing.

'Don't you dare...' he warned, his eyes drying quickly and his mouth setting in a thin line, no thicker than the edge of a knife. I stood in my doorway, looking onto the scene with a glimmer of hope- the words that could lead to our happy ending. Not that that was coming anytime soon. I still had time until my birthday, although not long. It was a painfully slow countdown and it felt as if the last year had gone by as fast as a man pushing a car.

We had met on my birthday and now we would finally be us on my next. A year, that was all it was yet, why did it feel so long? Maybe, it was all that happened? I couldn't be so sure. If anything, the events that had taken place should only quicken the pace yet I could only guess that it was the cause of it going to slow.

'Ha! You don't even deny it! Does that not tell me everything?' She shouted down the phone, the once muffled voice, loud and clear even from the doorway.

'Tasha, as I said, don't...' he had no argument anymore, he just wanted it to stop, it was clear on his face- contorted in pain as her hurtful words stabbed at him like blades.

'Dimitri, do you really think this isn't best, for both of us?' She sighed, her voice finally reaching an acceptable volume, making me now have to strain my ears to hear what was going on. None of this had been on speaker, after all, I could only rely on the clear strength in Dimitri's voice to comprehend the incomprehensible words on the other end.

'Tasha, I know I haven't seen you a lot lately but I've just been busy. Yes, Rose has affected it but that's because she is no longer at school. We've tried to find a replacement and we've found none. She'll have to do her exams later in life so, no, I don't think this is for the best, I think this will only put more stress on my shoulders. You are someone that I can come to when it's all too much, do you not realise that?' His sincere words sent knives into my heart. After all this, he had finally admitted I was a burden. After months of me begging him to say it, he had said it- to Tasha. To bloody Tasha Ozera.

'You don't understand, Dimka. This isn't because I haven't seen you since Rose left. This isn't because you haven't done anything but call once in three weeks. This is about you and Rose. It's clear that you and that girl have...something! I don't know, Dimitri. Be glad that I care enough about you not to get the police involved.' Her voice sounded strained as if this was just as difficult for her as it was for him. Yet, I couldn't believe that was sincerity in her voice. It was jealousy.

And the thought made me smile.

'Not to get the police involved? You are taking this way too far, Tasha. Even thinking of me like that shows that you far from care.' He spat.

It was the first time I had seen him angry at anyone but me.

'Maybe you're right. Maybe we should just break this off. Because, you know what, you aren't worth it.' Dimitri took his phone from his ear and slammed his finger down on the disconnect button before Tasha could say a word. He had just ended it all.

I couldn't be happier.

'Dimitri, are you okay?' I asked, walking into the room, making no attempts at hiding my presence. We had long since learnt that we would always be eavesdropping on the other. We just lacked trust in that way. Any reason to trust the other had been broken long ago. We gave the other privacy only when it was required- now was not on of those times. He nodded wistfully and sat down on the sofa, motioning for me to join him. I complied easily and leant into his side, resting my head on his shoulder. 'Sorry that I keep ruining everything.' I muttered, sighing- I was too tired to give anything but a lackluster response. Without anything to occupy myself with, I found myself falling asleep easily- going through my day lethargically- uncaringly.

'Stop apologising. Tasha was right in one respect- we're better off apart.' Dimitri smiled down at me, reassuring me just slightly, sending a somewhat small smile to my face.

'You don't know that yet-'

'Yes, I do, it was clear from when she first talked to me.' I nodded in defeat as Dimitri leant back and brought me further into his arms. 'How long until your birthday now?' He asked calmly, fiddling with my hair- he loved my hair, he had said it often before this mess.

'A week or two.' It seemed so close but I knew, these weeks would go slower than the last year. That's just how it is when you want something. I drew my attention from the window back to the man above me, craning my neck to see him. He was tall, giving me a full view of his pale face- which had only gotten paler since this mess had happened. He almost looked ill but the gentle smile on his face almost convinced me it wasn't.

'Hot chocolate?' He asked and I hummed in agreement before being pushed away and Dimitri going to the counter to make two cups of hot chocolate. It was evening, neither of us needed the buzz of caffeine- nor did we need sugar but it was the best substitute we could get.

I fell back onto the sofa, bustling my head into the sofa cushion and closing my eyes, waiting for Dimitri to return for the drink that I now craved. When he did return, luckily, it was with two steaming cups of chocolate in his hands. I thanked him graciously and took the steaming cup from his hands, the China burning me to the touch but I had experienced worse so I just let my fingers adjust to the heat before taking a sip; it was bliss. The chocolate felt like it could send me to heaven and I giggled childishly at my glee from such a simple drink.

Dimitri smiled, taking a sip of his own, just as I took my second. It had the perfect consistency. He always doubled the chocolate and it only doubled how good it tasted. 'Rose, when you're eighteen, I want to take you to dinner.' I almost spat out my drink but I wasn't just shocked, I was ecstatic. Finally, he was accepting this. Finally, _I_ was accepting this.

'Yes.' I said, no hesitation and a clear overly excited expression. Dimitri didn't tease me for it, though, he simply smiled and brought me back to his side.

'One day and suddenly everything will change. Seems silly really.' He smiled and I smiled back.

We couldn't stop.

'It is but it doesn't matter as long as on that day, our new story can finally begin.' 

 

* * *

 

 

'Hi, Mase.' I whispered down the phone, seemingly guilty for not having talked to him since we had left.

'Rose!' Came his loud response, 'I'm so glad you called! What happened?' He questioned a little quieter as if he knew that this was not all flowers and rainbows. This was serious.

'I refused to go to rehab for drinking...' My words trailed off, not wanting him to answer. I didn't want to hear criticism for the stupidity of my acts but, this was Mase, I should have expected more.

'I'm so sorry, Rose. Oh dear god, I was the one supplying you, wasn't I? This is my fault.' I let my mouth hang open; my last thought that he would blame himself of all people.

'No, don't do that, Mase. This isn't your fault. I didn't tell you. How were you supposed to know any better?' I chastised his own self-guilt despite revelling in my own. I was a hypocrite in so many aspects of life, I wasn't going to change that now.

'I know but-'

'No, Mase. This was me not you...' a pregnant pause followed, neither of us quite sure of what to say. 'So...how's school without the magnificent Rose?' I teased, my voice up and octave trying to quell the darkness from the previous conversation.

'Dull, Rose. I'm bored without you. No else will talk to me! Why is life so cruel!' He feigned sadness in a dramatic tone as I listened in with a smirk on my face.

'Mase, I was not your only friend.' I sighed, laughing without breath.

'I know but you were my best friend, Rose!' He whined, his childish nature front and foremost.

'I wasn't there for that long, I'm sure I wasn't your best friend.'

'Sure you were! You were by far the funniest!...and the only girl.' He murmured shyly.

'Ha! So you did just like me because I was a girl! You're disowned as a friend, Mase!' I taunted, flailing my arms in the air despite my camera not being on.

'That wasn't it!' He defended although it was rather clear that he had talked to me in the beginning for my gender and looks rather than my personality. But, I couldn't judge him for that- that was how most people were, including me.

'Sure it wasn't.' I laughed, smiling on my side of the receiver. Another infinitely long pause followed. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't like that. It was as if we were both trying to grasp at the words we were supposed to say. Mason and I had never been ones for small talk, we liked the nitty-gritty conversation and it just felt unneeded to continue the conversation as it was.

'How are you, Rose? Really.' I sighed, not quite knowing the answer to the question. Since I had left, good had happened as well as the bad.

'Well, I haven't drunk anything since I left- alcoholic, I mean. And, I've been good enough to not have the urge to either...so, I think I'm doing okay. I'm better than I was.' Mason sounded relieved as soon as the words had come out- he truly was a good friend.

'You don't understand how glad I am to hear that. I couldn't bear it if something were to happen to you.' He admitted, the words corny yet necessary. They needed to be said.

'Rose!' Another voice called out, this one from the next room, not the receiver.

'Got to go, Mase. Dimitri's calling me, I'll speak later, alright?' I was sure with the lengthy pause that followed he had nodded as ensured by a hurried 'yes' had come down to the speaker followed by him hastily hanging up. Always like Mason to be embarrassed, no matter how much humour he tried to hide behind.

Stuffing the phone in my pocket, I headed out the room, trying to follow the path in which Dimitri's voice had taken. I soon found him in the kitchen, staring into a cup of tea wistfully. 'Hey, Rose, can you get some-' He stopped dead as he turned around, eyeing me carefully. 'Are you alright, Roza?' That name, that name meant everything to me and was enough to send a smile back to my face despite the serious conversation I had been having before. Sadly, all emotions I had seemed to transfer straight to my facial expression and I struggled to hide anything from many, Dimitri especially. So, he soon calmed when he saw me smiling again.

'I'm just fine, comrade.' I teased, the corners of my lips quirking up just that bit more. He sighed and looked back to his mug, before leaving it and opening the fridge.

'Did you drink all the milk, Rose?' My eyes widened as I feigned innocence. My efforts were futile, however, he could see right through me. He raised a single eyebrow and I blushed heavily under his knowing gaze.

'Okay, okay! I use a lot in my coffee, okay?' I defended, raising my arms up dramatically. He laughed wholeheartedly bringing a smile back to my face again.

'No need to get defensive, Roza.' He smiled widely and shook his head before taking a sip of his tea, no milk or sugar. 'Der'mo.' He groaned as the scalding liquid touched his lips causing him to put the mug back down and resort to waiting for it to cool down. In the meantime, it was clear that we were going to have the fill the time by saying something but as usual, what to talk about was the problem.

Sure, Dimitri and I were a lot more comfortable around each other than we had ever been yet conversation topics often ran low. We still both had to hide ourselves until I turned eighteen and that alone had caused us to be trapped in the cages of our bodies, keeping secrets and creating an awkward tension between the two of us.

'You know, I don't have the urge to drink anymore.' I started, hugging my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them, leaning my head on my knees.

'That's great, Rose. Although, it has caused me to have to sacrifice my milk.' He joked, trying to lighten the tension. It worked to an extent. We would just have to work with it. 'Oh, Rose, what do you want to do for your birthday?' He asked, looking curious. I was sure he wasn't an expert in birthday parties yet he had never failed to surprise me and I wouldn't be surprised if he could plan a perfect party. But, that wasn't what I wanted anyway. I wanted peacefulness. Just us, maybe. I couldn't quite decide.

'Something small.' I ensured. I was not in the mood for a large gathering. Ones that most people would be drunk at. Leaving me not only sober and bored but craving drinks too. Dimitri nodded in agreement; although he was kind and gentlemanly, he wasn't too sociable either. He only was under necessity.

'Here?' He asked simply and I nodded once again.

'If anything, I'd just want it to be the two of us.' I admitted, hiding my blush behind my knees. He smiled gently.

'Me too, Roza, me too.' He agreed. 'But, I don't think your friends will be too happy with that. Lissa had been begging to see you for weeks.' I groaned. I had forgotten about Lissa.

'I really need to call her, don't I?' He nodded, sighing. 'I'll invite her, along with Mason. Mia, Eddie, Jill and Christian can come. Even Adrian can come if he wants.' Dimitri nodded, visibly gritting his teeth. It was clear that he hadn't forgiven Adrian but he knew the decision was up to Rose so he wouldn't fight against it.

'I'll have to hurry. I only have a week to prepare.' He smiled gently, obviously another meaning behind his words.

'I'm sure you don't have to prepare.' I joked, picking up on the slyness of his speech as he did with me.

'With your attitude, I'll have to prepare a lot.' He laughed, quietly, gently, beautifully. I followed suit. I was finally happy. One week and this mess would be over. We could be normal again. That was what we wanted, right? Normality.

But is being normal all that good?

 

* * *

 

 

'Happy Birthday!' They all cheered. I looked around the room to be met with bright smiles. Lissa, Chris, Eddie, Jill, Mia, Mason, and Dimitri all crowded me. Even this small group of friends felt like a lot but I was glad for the company. This would hopefully be a lot better than last years celebration. Well, I mean it wasn't _that_ bad. I met Dimitri that day, after all. This wasn't just my birthday anymore but an anniversary too.

I smiled back at everyone and turned back to the cake, chocolate- obviously- and blew out the candles. I did it all one, gaining a loud applause from the group. I found myself smiling wider as Dimitri helped my give out the cake. Soon enough, everyone had a slice in their hands and it was time to give the presents out. Dimitri gave me his first, our eyes meeting, wide smiles on both of our faces. We both knew this would not be the only present of the day- he would simply have to wait until the others left to give me the rest.

I opened it hastily, revealing a large box. I smelt it before I saw it and began ripping it open immediately. I looked like a child as I salivated just looking at it: a pile of chocolate of every kind especially for me. No way was I sharing this. I smiled widely at Dimitri and flew into his arms. 'Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!' I shouted, laughing. I drew away quickly and graciously took the next gift, Lissa and Christian's. Although, I knew before I even opened it that it might as well have been Lissa' alone. Lissa, no doubt, put hours into this. Not because it was me, not at all, it was simply the type of person she was. She wanted to make every little thing special and if that meant a few hours more then she would gladly take it.

The box was small, delicate looking, and took a fair amount of restraint opening as I willed myself not to rip up the beautiful craftwork Lissa had put into decorating the box. Once the wrapping was put aside, a small black box was revealed. I opened it carefully, peering inside and gaped at what was inside. A necklace, simply put but it was so much more. It was pure crystal, a small crystal trinket on a silver chain. 'The man I bought it off said it was called a Zvezda.' Lissa smiled as I stared at the beauty of it.

'Star.' Dimitri murmured. I looked at him curiously and he reiterated. 'Zvezda, Russian for star.' I looked down at it. It really was a star, it shone so brightly and it's shape was no more than intricate, delicate, beautiful. 'It's beautiful, thank you.' I smiled at Lissa and gave her a gentle hug, the smile never leaving my face.

Mason was the next to give his present but it seemed all he wanted to do was whine about being outdone as he gave it to me. 'How am I supposed to beat that?' He threw his arms up in the air dramatically and I snorted.

'You don't have to, Mase. I really don't expect you to spend anything more than fifty cents on me.' I laughed and Mase smiled.

'Well, I at least broke that mark.' I smiled at him and took the square shaped present from his hands. What was inside was probably the most clever of them all. Boxing gloves. He had actually bought me boxing gloves.

'Maybe now your punch won't hurt as much.' He laughed as I threw my fist at his shoulder jokingly.

'See! That hurt. You need them!' He laughed and I almost doubled over laughing. The others began to laugh too as I put them over my hands and began to pummel Mason. Hopefully not giving him any physical trauma in the process.

After that, present after present came each as caring, thoughtful and kind as the last. By the end, I felt spoilt but I made sure to thank all of them more than enough times, mostly getting the reply of 'you're eighteen now, you deserve some good gifts.'

Before I knew it, the apartment had cleared out and it was just Dimitri and I left. 'You know, you're going to have to start paying rent soon.' He joked, making us both a cup of hot chocolate. I sighed dramatically.

'How could you, comrade! I thought I could get through life free of charge!' I laughed, laying across the sofa, pretending to be a damsel in distress. He laughed heartily and handed over a cup of hot chocolate to me. I took a sip, wallowing in the amazing taste as he did the same. We both leant over and placed our cups on the coffee table as our eyes met. We smiled, shyness surrounding both of us still.

'I don't believe I'm finally eighteen. This is all over, Dimitri. It's over. Well, most of it, anyway.' I smiled brightly, shuffling minutely closer to him. He did the same. Our eyes never left each other.

'You don't realise how desperate I've been to do this, Roza.' It was the only warning I got before his lips were on mine. We had waited for this for months and it was finally here. I couldn't believe it, this was really happening. I kissed him back, relaxing into his touch. Chocolate was what hit me first, from the hot chocolate no doubt, and then it was just him. All of this was just him. There was no way to describe it. It was so unique- what I felt, only he could give that to me.

'I love you.' I blurted, pulling away, meeting his eyes again.

'I love you too.' He replied, giving me one of those rare, genuine smiles. This was the man I had craved my entire life. This was paradise. This was my paradise. This was his paradise. This was our paradise. I leant in again, my lips grazing his when we were interrupted.

There was a loud knock on the door. 'If that is Lissa, I swear to God...' I warned before I stood up, Dimitri staying on the sofa, leaning over to bring his hot chocolate back to his lips. The lips that had just been on mine.

I trudged to the front door, my mood sour, ready to punch whoever was at the door. I swung the door open and scowled at whoever was there.

A pause.

A gasp.

A breath.

A bang.

The man who had killed my parents had just shot a bullet... aimed straight at my heart.

 

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

  **Part 2 - Wound**

_'Tell her that I love her, tell her that I need her'_

* * *

 

The panic washed over me in floods. The brights lights and the blindingly clean walls. The white tiles and the dripping of an IV. The monotonous beep of a heart monitor was prominent, echoing off the walls. Repeating, over and over.

Despite it all, I couldn't pinpoint where I was. My mind was nothing more than a haze of memories. I felt like a baby again. I had no way of speaking, communicating, no way of asking what was going on or where I was. But, then again, I couldn't remember why I had to ask those questions at all.

'Rose! You're awake!' A perky voice came and with that, my eyes cleared enough to focus in on the bright blue brown irises of what I could only assume was a nurse, whose brown curls framed her face as she leant over me. Her proximity almost sent me reeling but I held back not only for the lack of mobility but for now, she was making a good enough cover against the light.

Nurse. Hospital. I was in hospital. What was happening? Why was I in hospital? I wracked my mind for the answer. My mind answered with a black canvas of nothingness. It was as if the memories had been plucked from my mind in the...how long had it been? For all I knew, it could have been a day, or a month, two years and I wouldn't have known.

When I went to open my mouth to speak, all that came out was a crackling sound- one produced with my own throat. 'Oh, sorry, Rose! I'll get you water straight away.' And with that, the nurse had rushed out of the room and I was left alone again. Left alone with my own thoughts; thoughts that were impossible to comprehend. I tried, again and again, but the memories were a blur. A pain in my shoulder was prominent but that was all, ignorable for the moment. I focused on staying awake for the meantime as my eyes threatened to close and hide my pupils from the frying sun.

I had succeeded in my first small task when the nurse rushed back into the room, this time with a tray, with three of four water bottles on it. 'You'll need a lot of water so I want you to drink all of these by the end of the today.' From the view outside the window, it was still only morning. I nodded, giving in with ease- my lack of energy enough to override my rebellious tendencies.

The nurse left me alone once again, most likely going to check up on the other patients and I returned to my original task and sifted through my mind to try and find the memories I needed. I looked around, looking for a stimulus. Anything, really.

Suddenly, the sun disappeared by a layer of thick black cloud and the room was shrouded in darkness, the only light coming from a dim light on my bedside table. I wondered, in a sudden state of shock, how I had come to such a nice room. Surely no one I knew could pay for this.

No one I knew.

Then it felt like I had been hit again. Dimitri. Where was Dimitri? The memories flooded back all in one. The last year, the last week, the last day. At least, the ones before I was admitted to wherever I was now. I remembered it all. The good times. The bad times. The pain. The delight. I remembered it all.

I found myself wishing to forget.

I found myself wanting to start again.

Yet I still found myself wishing for Dimitri.

Despite everything, I wished he was by my side. The fact that he wasn't set me on edge. What had happened to him? If he was in hospital too, I didn't think I could take it. He had to be alright, though. He had to be, right?

Dimitri would be alright. He always was.

I would ask the nurse when she returned.

The lights were turned off suddenly and I realised that the sun was beginning to set. It must have been later than I thought. Or maybe, winter was causing the days to become shorter. It was winter, wasn't it? I still didn't know how long I had been asleep. I hoped, only a night.

Then, with sullen eyes, I looked down to my shoulder where the pain was erupting from. I didn't see a wound, only winds of bandage wrapped around at least five times. Then I looked down to my chest, no injury.

The shooter had missed.

I was alive.

And, for all I knew, I was still in danger. My mind buzzed, panicked thoughts swirling around memories, my body still too tired to react.

I wanted to know what happened. I needed to know what happened. This was all too much. I had the urge to fight, to protect myself and... Dimitri. I wanted to protect Dimitri. But, what from? Myself. I was a danger to him, wasn't I? I was a danger to everyone around me.

I was the one being hunted. The one being hunted loses their friends and family before they lose their lives. It's fact, not suggestion. And I was now scared for all of them. For Lissa, Mia, Dimitri, Chris, the rest. And, now, I was scared even for Adrian.

The ones that scared me most didn't scare me at all in comparison to the monster who held his gun in his hands, targeted at my heart. But, he had missed. That must have meant something. Was he merciful? Scared? Nervous? Or maybe, he was simply a bad shooter. All something I could work against.

But that didn't mean I did. After all, I was stuck in a hospital bed. There was nothing I could do. Not now. I was useless. I was always useless. I was always a burden, the fly that would not stop buzzing. I was the one that nobody wanted.

But Dimitri wanted me.

That must have meant something, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discontinued

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on my [ Tumblr ](http://cheshirecatlife.tumblr.com), [ Wattpad ](https://www.wattpad.com/user/CheshireCatLife) or [ Instagram! ](https://www.instagram.com/_cheshirecatlife/)
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